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Thread: French Military Victories, 0

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    Post French Military Victories, 0

    The Complete Military History of France


    ***Please note that the Web designer is not American and blaming the Web designer for America's history is illogical. Though you may critisize this oversimplified French history all you wish, blaming or threatening the Web designer is not nice.

    We are still accepting submissions from history researchers.
    Last update: October 18, 2004.


    - Gallic Wars

    - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    - Hundred Years War
    - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

    - Italian Wars
    - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    - Wars of Religion
    - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    - Thirty Years War
    - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

    - War of Revolution
    - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    - The Dutch War
    - Tied

    - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
    - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    - War of the Spanish Succession
    - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    - American Revolution
    - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

    - French Revolution
    - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

    - The Napoleonic Wars
    - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    - The Franco-Prussian War
    - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    - World War I
    - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    - World War II
    - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    - War in Indochina
    - Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

    - Algerian Rebellion
    - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    - War on Terrorism
    - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

    The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

    "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

    Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."



    With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:



    Norse invasions, 841-911.

    After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

    Mexico, 1863-1864.
    France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

    Panama jungles 1881-1890.
    No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

    Napoleonic Wars.
    Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

    Haiti, 1791-1804.
    French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

    India, 1673-1813.
    British were far more charming then French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

    Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
    Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

    1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
    French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

    Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
    Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

    French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

    1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
    When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

    St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
    Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

    Third Crusade.
    Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

    Seventh Crusade.
    St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

    [Eighth] Crusade.
    St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

    Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.






    Source: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html




    Last edited by Prussian; Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005 at 11:06 AM.
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    Post Re: French Military Victories, 0

    You anti-French, you...

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    Post Re: French Military Victories, 0

    crip
    Quote Originally Posted by Marius
    You anti-French, you...
    Here's something fun to do:

    1. Go to google (http://www.google.com)
    2. Type in "french military victories"
    3. Click "I'm Feeling Lucky"
    4. Look at the results.


    Results:






    Did you mean: french military defeats


    No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

    Your search - french military victories - did not match any documents.
    Last edited by Bismark; Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005 at 12:47 PM. Reason: script error
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    Post Re: French Military Victories, 0

    Your conclusions are a BIT anti french and your data are, in a general line superficial. I could confute about an half of your assertions.

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    Post Re: French Military Victories, 0

    I know all the bitterness Americans may have on French nowadays, even if it is openly declared or not and I am also aware of the jokes Google made over the issue. To sum it up, I think this thread should have had its place in the jokes area and not necessarily in the history area. But this is just my oppinion.

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    Post Re: French Military Victories, 0

    Quote Originally Posted by Northern Tiger
    Your conclusions are a BIT anti french and your data are, in a general line superficial. I could confute about an half of your assertions.
    True, but they're not my assertions, Source: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html

    I agree it's very biased; it was posted more for it's entertainment value than it's historical value. There are rarely clear victors in war, however many of the statements are true. And the facts are solid, just the conclusions drawn from them are slanted.
    Last edited by Bismark; Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005 at 01:06 PM. Reason: more thoughts on the issue
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    Post Re: French Military Victories

    Quote Originally Posted by Bismark




    - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
    LMAO

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    Post Re: French Military Victories, 0

    What nationality was Joan of Arc anyways?

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    Post AW: Re: French Military Victories, 0

    Quote Originally Posted by Phill
    What nationality was Joan of Arc anyways?
    She Identified with being French.

    Born at Domremy in Champagne, probably on 6 January, 1412; died at Rouen, 30 May, 1431. The village of Domremy lay upon the confines of territory which recognized the suzerainty of the Duke of Burgundy, but in the protracted conflict between the Armagnacs (the party of Charles VII, King of France), on the one hand, and the Burgundians in alliance with the English, on the other, Domremy had always remained loyal to Charles.
    Source
    Last edited by Prussian; Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005 at 04:52 PM.
    "Let your love towards life, be love towards your highest hope:
    and let your highest hope be the highest idea of life."
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    Post Re: French Military Victories, 0

    Quote Originally Posted by Phill
    What nationality was Joan of Arc anyways?
    It's Jeanne d'Arc. Was this question a joke?

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