Why redheads should rule the world
By Bob Phillips, Jr.
Columnist
It was suggested as a joke that I write about the benefits of giving redheads supreme political power over our planet. After storing that idea away, and hoping to think of reasons some other group should rule the world, I've got to finally admit that redheads would be good leaders.
First off, there were no redheads who screwed up this recent (or is it still on-going?) presidential election. Because there weren't any redheads directly involved, this shows that redheads are more responsible, or at least more logical, than the rest of us. Even if they're not actually better at organizational skills, redheads are at least smart enough, as a group, to keep from getting caught messing up something as big as a presidential election.
And then there was the Clinton-Lewinsky thing. No redheads involved there, either. Maybe it's because brunettes are power-hungry bimbos, or maybe it's because men from Arkansas place absolutely no value in the concept of marriage. But either way, there were no redheads involved in that political fiasco.
So we can safely assume that redheads would keep from embarrassing themselves if elected to public office. And to keep from getting yourself plastered on national newspapers anymore, that means you must be doing a good job. Only the people who make terrible mistakes on a personal level get onto the front page in modern times.
So, why would redheads make good leaders? That's simple logic. Look at a bell curve. The people at the extreme ends are either extremely good or extremely bad at whatever is being measured. Now, consider that natural redheads are terribly rare on a worldwide scale. True genius is equally rare. So, based on relative rarity, we should be able to safely assume that natural-born redheads are all very smart. And we all know that it takes a good brain to run a country, or even a whole planet.
But what about social responsibilities, you ask? It seems that more women are dying their hair a shade of red. This is to emulate the redheads who these hair-dyed women know. You try to be like someone you like, so it's reasonable to assume that redheads are well liked. Why else would so many people be dying their hair to look like a redhead? I mean, if everyone hated redheads, then no one would be dying their hair that shade.
Redheads.They're smarter than us, and nicer than us. We should just let them rule the world, so we can all be happy. And also put that stupid, "anyone can grow up to be president" myth to rest.
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