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Thread: Stay at Home Dads/House Husbands

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    Stay at Home Dads/House Husbands

    We've got a thread about stay at home mothers, let's have the male counterpart. Stay at home husbands/dads are becoming more common during the modern era. What's your take on it? Natural, unnatural? Something new and posh? Warranted in all cases or only exceptional ones?

    I'm specifically interested in the situation where both parents are in the picture, and less single parenthood where the woman is out of the picture. Women, would you consider a stay at home husband? Men, would you consider being one?

    A stay-at-home dad (alternatively, stay at home father, house dad, SAHD, househusband, or house-spouse) is a father who is the main caregiver of the children and is generally the homemaker of the household. As families have evolved, the practice of being a stay-at-home dad has become more common and socially acceptable.

    Pre-industrialisation, the family worked together as a unit and was self-sufficient. When affection-based marriages emerged in the 1830s, parents began devoting more attention to children and family relationships became more open. Beginning with the Industrial Revolution, large-scale production replaced home manufacturing; this shift, coupled with prevailing norms governing sex or gender roles, dictated that the father become the breadwinner and the mother the caregiver.

    The number of stay-at-home dads began gradually increasing in the late 20th century, especially in developed Western nations. The recent statistic that Pew Research released, showed a report in June 2014 that found 2 million men to be stay-at-home dads in the US. However, in 2010, the number of stay-at-home dads had reached its highest point of 2.2 million.

    Though the role is subject to many stereotypes, and men may have difficulties accessing parenting benefits, communities, and services targeted at mothers, it became more socially acceptable by the 2000s. The stay-at-home dad was more regularly portrayed in the media by the 2000s, especially in the United States. However, due to traditional family structures and stereotypic expectations, the stay at home father figure is culturally unacceptable in countries in South Asia such as India.

    There are several reasons why some families feel that it would be more beneficial for the father to be the primary caregiver while the mother works outside the home. The decision to use a stay-at-home dad arrangement is most commonly due to economic reasons. At the same time, women are progressing into higher-paying jobs. There are now financial ramifications in deciding whether the mother or father should become the stay-at-home parent. In cases where the woman is the higher-paid parent, it makes more economic sense for her to continue to work while the man takes on the caregiver role. It also makes sense at times the mother's job offers health benefits for the family whereas the father's does not. It has also been shown that if the "pregnancy was jointly planned", the father is more likely to be involved.

    With the growth of telecommuting, many men are also able to work from home. In this regard, he is contributing financially to the family while also acting as the primary caregiver of the family's children. Differences in parent's schedules can also account for some of the stay-at-home dads. Sometimes the father works odd work shifts while the mother has a typical nine-to-five work schedule.

    Fixed gender roles began to become less prominent in the Western world starting in the late 20th century, allowing men to make their own choice of career without regard to traditional gender-based roles. Some men who choose this role may do so because they enjoy being an active part of their children's lives, while in other families, the mother wants to pursue her career. For example, of the 187 participants at Fortune Magazine's Most Powerful Women in the Business Summit, one third of the women's husbands were stay-at-home dads. Families vary widely in terms of how household chores are divided. Some retired males who marry a younger woman decide to become stay-at-home dads while their wives work because they want a "second chance" to watch a child grow up in a second or third marriage. Additionally, more career and lifestyle options are accepted and prevalent in Western society. There are also fewer restrictions on what constitutes a family.
    Stay-At-Home Dads Still Struggle With Diapers, Drool, Stigma And Isolation

    The number of men in the United States who are full-time, stay-at-home parents has risen steadily in recent decades, from maybe a million or so in 1984, according to a Pew Research Center estimate, to roughly double that in 2014.

    That's still much smaller than the number of stay-at-home moms, of course, and many of the challenges these dads face are universal to parenting.

    "It's a tough job," says Ben Sanders, who's raising two young boys in Haymarket, Va. His kids are 3 ½ and 6 ½ years old. "There are no breaks. It's 24/7. There's no vacation. You can't get sick."

    The amount of work entailed "is crazy," Sanders says. "You're on your feet constantly, you know — shopping, laundry, errands [and] running kids here and there. It's very hands-on. It's very demanding. I've lost over 50 pounds, just being a stay-at-home parent."

    And adding to the crazy stress of child rearing, he says, there's this: Some people still aren't comfortable with a man being the caregiver full-time.

    Lining up play dates for his kids, for example, can be awkward. Initially Sanders signed up for a mom's group in his neighborhood, but didn't feel completely welcome there. He tries to shrug it off.

    "It's like being in sales," says Sanders, who used to work as a regional sales manager for a solar energy company. "People say 'no' all the time. If you're in sales you can't have a fear of rejection, you know? You ask enough stay-at-home moms if they want to have a play date, and maybe one or two out of 10 will says 'Yeah, let's do it.' "

    Researchers who study stay-at-home parents say that difficulty in making social connections seems to be one of the biggest obstacles dads face. In many parts of the country there are so few men doing this that they have a tough time finding each other.

    Reaching out to nearby moms isn't always an option; stay-at-home moms often feel more comfortable hanging out with other women. And some working fathers frown on other men socializing with their wives when they're away.

    "There are people who don't understand," Sanders says.

    His wife, Nicole, who has a high-pressure job with a large defense contractor near Washington, D.C., is grateful to her husband.

    "I don't think I could do my job if he weren't at home," she says. "I travel a lot. My schedule is very erratic and unpredictable."

    After their first child was born, the Sanders both continued to work full time. Ben was on the road Monday through Thursday, and the couple hired a pair of nannies, who worked in shifts to help bridge the gaps. "They switched off every 12 hours," Ben says.

    But he says that pace was too hectic for the family; Ben and Nicole finally decided one of them needed to stay home full-time.

    Ben was ready for a change and no longer wanted to feel like a weekend father.

    "I wanted to see my family every day," he says. "I actually wanted to be part of my children's life and be present — not absent. So that's what we did. And there's no looking back."

    U.S. census data from the early 1970s show very few men listing their occupation as "full-time parent." So, how about today, after four decades of struggle for gender quality?

    "It's still relatively uncommon," says Brad Harrington the executive director of the Boston College Center for Work and Family. "Depending on whose numbers you believe, it's somewhere between 1 out of 20 or maybe one out of 15 at-home parents now is a dad."

    In his own research, Harrington has found that more than half of male millennials say they would consider being a stay-at-home dad if their spouse earned enough to support them. Yet he's found a disconnect, he says, between what people say they might do and what actually happens.

    Partly, he says, that's because of continued income inequality between men and women.

    "Oftentimes the financial decision goes in favor of the woman staying home rather than the man," he says.

    And corporate culture, he says, particularly at large, established companies, can still discourage fathers from taking years off to be home with their kids.

    "There is kind of a lag between the experience of young fathers these days," Harrington says, "and what the people at the top expect from young working dads."

    Those corporate expectations of dads can be incredibly harmful to mothers, as well as to the fathers, Harrington says.

    "Nothing, probably, provides more of an opportunity for women to advance than an at-home dad," says Harrington. "Because when they know that the father is there, taking care of that set of responsibilities, then women are more free to pursue their own professional goals."

    On a Wednesday morning in Arlington, Va., a dozen stay-at-home fathers and about 20 kids get together for their weekly dads' group. The kids range in age from a few months to 9 years old. Some of the older kids are playing dress-up in the basement. Another boy is building a Lego tower in the sunroom.

    Dads are drinking coffee, eating doughnuts and hanging out. Just as women have found comaraderie in "Mommy and Me" groups, these fathers enjoy their own social events.

    Mark Bildner, who serves as host this day, is a veteran of the local D.C. Metro dads' network. He's raising four kids; the eldest is 10. Bildner says he finds that men often have trouble breaking out of the work mindset and getting into the world of parenting. At work, he explains, projects tend to be linear — the goal is to finish one task and move forward to the next, then hit the next goal, the next milestone.

    But parenting isn't linear, Bildner says. It's more like the ocean.

    "The tide comes in, the tide goes out. The house is clean, then it's dirty. Your child is happy, now she's sad. She's tired, now she's rested."

    Bildner gestures at the kids scampering around his carpeted basement. "An hour ago, this room was completely clean," he says. "Now it's wrecked."

    As a parent, Bildner says, you have to have a different vision of progress. "You just have to accept that things get done and undone all the time. Your job is to just go with that," he says.

    Accepting the ebb and flow of a child's world can be hard for a man who expects something he's fixed to stay fixed.

    One of the fathers in Bildner's basement, Aaron Rosenbaum, calls this group "fantastic" and says it fills a void for him and his friends.

    "It's just the camaraderie," he says. "No one feels uncomfortable around you. You don't feel like people are wondering why you're staying at home."

    Rosenbaum used to live on Capitol Hill in D.C., where he says there were "tons" of activities for young kids.

    "But I was almost always the only dad," he says. "Most moms seemed completely fine with me being there, but lots of times I felt like a lot of people wouldn't actually talk to me, or just kind of avoided me. So in some respects it was a little lonely."

    Parenting, of course, can also be a lonely endeavor for a stay-at-home mom who suddenly finds her world swirling around a nonverbal infant.

    But Rosenbaum says the fathers he knows aren't as good at overcoming that social isolation.

    "I feel like moms are more likely to come out of the woodwork and get together and do stuff — make sure their kids play together," he says. "Dads tend to be kind of loners."

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    What Jew-rag was the source of this derivative drivel? Did they convince you that this was some sort of "new normal" that should be accepted? No. men are out of place as house-husbands and women are out of place in the rat race.

    Women are shit for managers, because their priorities are screwed up. A high-performing fucking white male below her will be valued for his tone rather than his performance, and if that tone is not sufficiently deferential, he will be fired or left to stagnate until he leaves the organization. The matriarchy is wired for failure.

    Similarly, men are shit for filling the "mom" role. Unlike women in the workplace, however, it has not been pounded into society to accept this role for them without question (the (((powers that be))) don't care about white men. Their focus is on destroying society, not transforming it to work in any way, even this twisted one.)

    Men are born to conquer. Women are born to be conquered. Screw with this natural order and put women in charge, you get Merkel... And that is just what (((the enemy))) wants.
    Most people think as they are trained to think, and most people make a majority.

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    If I get kids of my own, I would have liked the opportunity to stay at home with them, but only when they've grown up a bit. I see little purpose in sending their mother out to work, and me taking care of them and feeding them, when they're just babies or toddlers. They are best nurtured by their mother at that stage in life, anyway. And to be honest, I believe I would have felt quite emasculated by such a order of the household.

    But when they've managed to walk and talk, it would be nice to take some time off work occasionally to teach them about life and helping them acquire different skills. Or having the opportunity to work from home, and having them help out (to the extent their participation can actually be considered 'help'). I believe a form of 'communal homeschooling' would be the best alternative to sending them to public school, and in that respect, they would miss out if only their mother were around to teach them, and never their father.
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    I think everybody who responds in this thread should offer up their credentials, specifically how many kids they've got and whether or not they were at home for the raising (e.g. I've got three, and I've been "at home" for 18 years - but my situation is unique).

    My parents, bless their addled heads, shouldn't have been anybody's parents. I was raised in a foster home, once I got things sorted out regarding the afore-mentioned parent(s). So, raising kids at home was a very important part of breaking my parent's AND grandparents' bad decision cycle. And I've done that pretty well. The kids have been homeschooled, too, which has really paid off (the oldest is halfway through a college engineering degree at not quite 18 years of age). The younger two are coming along nicely, no real pressure to make any permanent decisions just yet - like university schooling, or life goals, ambitions, careers, etc. For them it's still mostly Play Time, art practice, athletics, and lots and lots of reading.

    Everybody's ability to stay at home and make a livelihood and raise their children will be different (duh...), but I'm a huge proponent. It's working great. Do it if you can.

    Last word, FATHERS had better get their oar in for diaper changing at least as often as the Mother does, or believe me, that shit will get ya... Karmically speaking, eventually your kids are going to be changing YOUR diapers, so build that reservoir of Good Will NOW.

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    Until you've been a parent, you really can't judge the situation properly. Generally, I think it's the woman who should take care of the children. But as with anything, there are exception cases. I've met single dads who made good "moms" because the situation called for it, they had no choice but to adapt. In the same way as I've been a mom and "dad" to my child.

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    My main experience with this type of family dynamic came from dating a girl whose father was a self styled artist & 'stay at home dad' and whose mother was a pushy careerist. The girl I dated had zero standards when it came to men. She was absolutely shocked that I opened doors for her and that I was 'so aggressive all the time' (read: I stand up for myself). I really can't emphasize enough that she had very, very low standards. Her other boyfriends had been abusive and the last time I spoke with her she was on Prozac.

    Needless to say, I do not think this is ideal or should be encouraged. If a man falls ill or works from home (like many farmers) then that's different.

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    I think it's a bad idea, and unnatural. A child needs a mother, especially during its formative, developmental stages. Of course the role of a father is also important, but each parent also needs to set an example to their children. If the child is a boy, the boy needs to see his father in action as the provider and protector of the family. This entails winning the bread and going out to work. Before, it was hunting for the food, now it's winning the bread. The point is, he is responsible for taking care of the family. If the child is a girl, she needs to see her mother being there for her in every way, and making the raising and education of her children, as well as homemaking her priority. What kind of example would be set when those roles are reversed? It's no wonder modern men and women are so screwed up, because the family unit is not the same anymore. Well I don't think you end up with the same results when you change the ingredients....

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    There are many good opinions in this thread and everybody needs to keep in mind we are dealing with modern times.

    Of course the natural and best practice is to have the man work and the woman stay home. However as I read this and I'm sitting in a hotel in a American city where Germanic people have now become a minority, I'm willing just hope for more babies of our own people and I don't care if they are raised by the mother or father just as long as they are raised to respect our race and culture and care about preserving us so that we will not dye out and be lost forever.
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    The 9 to 5 working day is a modern invention. Human evolution goes back much further. Children should have access to both Mother and Father. Historically people lived in communities of up to 200 people. Both parents where home in that community and both spent valuable time with their offspring.
    Dummheit kennt keine Grenzen

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    Quote Originally Posted by Huginn ok Muninn View Post
    What Jew-rag was the source of this derivative drivel? Did they convince you that this was some sort of "new normal" that should be accepted? No. men are out of place as house-husbands and women are out of place in the rat race.

    Women are shit for managers, because their priorities are screwed up. A high-performing fucking white male below her will be valued for his tone rather than his performance, and if that tone is not sufficiently deferential, he will be fired or left to stagnate until he leaves the organization. The matriarchy is wired for failure.

    Similarly, men are shit for filling the "mom" role. Unlike women in the workplace, however, it has not been pounded into society to accept this role for them without question (the (((powers that be))) don't care about white men. Their focus is on destroying society, not transforming it to work in any way, even this twisted one.)

    Men are born to conquer. Women are born to be conquered. Screw with this natural order and put women in charge, you get Merkel... And that is just what (((the enemy))) wants.
    Life does not have to be viewed in such binary terms as 'conquering' and being 'conquered'.

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