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Thread: The Rise Of Female Infidelity: As More And More Women Have Affairs, A Provocative Book Claims To Lay Bare What’s Behind The Increase

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    The Rise Of Female Infidelity: As More And More Women Have Affairs, A Provocative Book Claims To Lay Bare What’s Behind The Increase

    • Wednesday Martin spoke to married women who consider infidelity
    • Says women choose infidelity because they want variety, adventure and passion
    • Experts claims many want a lover who is attractive but isn't emotionally needy
    • Women are 40 per cent more likely now to cheat on their husbands than in 1990
    • One professor says women are most likely to lose interest in the same partner
    • Clare Matthew, 40, revealed how her affair led to finding new love



    When the passion died away Erica didn’t want to give up on her marriage.

    She still loved her husband, but neither was she prepared to forgo a satisfying love life. Instead, after years of sexual disappointment she took an unprecedented course of action — she went online to look for a lover.

    ‘One day I’d just had it. I really wish I could remember what exactly caused me to search online for “someone” because that is not like me at all,’ says Erica, 46, who went on to have a passionate affair.

    Georgie, aged 53 and married for 25 years had a similar experience. ‘I finally decided after many years of no sex that I deserved to have my needs met,’ she said.

    Meanwhile Tiffany, 47, confessed she had also gone looking for a lover because: ‘A lack of sex drove me crazy.’ These are just some of the real women’s voices and stories I encountered when researching my new book on female infidelity — which experts believe is on the increase.


    or many, being unfaithful in whatever form is an unthinkable betrayal of marriage vows, yet in some ways these women are not exceptional. In good jobs, often with children in what they said were otherwise happy marriages, sometimes church goers, infidelity wasn’t something they’d considered before.

    Their problems — unfulfilling routine sex, or no intimacy at all with husbands or long-term partners, or a craving for sexual variety and novelty — are far from unique. Crucially, none of these women wanted to give up on their marriages or loved their husbands any less.

    Yet they were tempted to look elsewhere for sexual fulfilment when perhaps, in the past, they would have just put up with it.

    Women like the lady in her early 60s, who told me frankly, when she learned I was writing a book on women’s infidelity, ‘I want to have sex all night long. Just not with my husband!’ Or the dozens of other women I interviewed who said a version of the same thing: ‘My marriage is pretty great. But I think about other men all the time.’

    It seems more and more women are prepared to act on those thoughts and seek sexual satisfaction outside of marriage.

    Women are now 40 per cent more likely to cheat on their husbands than in 1990.

    Many experts suggest that in reality the figures are likely much higher, because there is still a stigma associated with women who admit to infidelity. (One study found that up to 50 per cent of women admit being unfaithful to a partner at some point.)

    Men used to cheat at much higher rates compared to women — but this ‘infidelity gap’ between the sexes appears to be narrowing all the time. As women grow increasingly vocal about telling the world what they don’t want they may feel more comfortable telling the world what they do want. For many, it will not be monogamy.

    Georgie, Tiffany and Erica, who took part in a recent study by sociologist Dr Alicia Walker about women looking for trysts online took a pragmatic, ‘my needs first’, approach to solving their sexual issues.

    They looked for men with the physical attributes they desired, and avoided those who seemed emotionally needy or who were looking for relationships.

    If a man’s performance didn’t match up to expectations or he started getting too close they would move onto the next one without a second thought. They did the same when the feeling of exhilaration about being in a new sexual partnership faded.

    Having chosen a husband or partner who did not satisfy them sexually, they were not going to make the same mistake in their affairs.

    As Heather, 43, who also took part in the research, observed:, ‘I try to find men who won’t be clingy, and just want great sex.’

    Some experts told me the infidelity gap is closing partly due to more women being out in the workforce. In work we have an increased exposure to potential sexual partners, more time apart from spouses, more travel opportunities (people tend to have flings when they travel), and a greater financial independence, which can make getting caught seem like less of a potential catastrophe.

    Technology may also be helping women when it comes to sexual exploration, with various social media platforms and apps affording us discreet opportunities for infidelity. But acting on your desires requires having desires.

    So has there been a shift in the way women experience desire? After all, this contradicts what we’re told so often about a women’s sexuality — that it’s women who have lower libidos than men, or are the ones who go off sex in relationships.

    But new research is now helping us rediscover the truth about the female libido that had been forgotten due to hundreds of years of social convention and strict morality codes that ostracised women who are unfaithful or merely sexual.

    What I’ve discovered — by talking to women (aged 20 to93) who’ve either cheated on their partners or considered it, and investigating scientific and evolutionary theories — is that women’s libidos are far stronger and more adventurous than we thought.

    Until recently, women have tended to blame themselves for a lack of desire. Psychologists and other experts are suggesting, however, that it’s not that women lose interest in sex per se — it’s that they simply stop being interested in sex with their other half.

    Marta Meana, a professor of clinical psychology, is following 19 women in a long-term study about low desire. They are all in enduring relationships they describe as happy. She agrees the issue of a sinking libido isn’t one of hormone levels or because it’s a turn off if he doesn’t pull his weight at home, but the fact that women are just more likely than men to lose interest in the same partner.

    She says: ‘Marriage itself tends to make routine what was once transgressive and sexy in ways that especially impacts women, “over familiarising” our spouses in a fashion that we struggle with.’ Meana’s work suggests we women long for and respond to lustful gazes from strangers.

    Her findings and other data contradict everything we’re told about women needing intimacy and familiarity to feel sexy.

    While none of her study group have actually been unfaithful she says: ‘So many women experiencing low desire in long-term partnerships know that if they did step out, their desire would probably be back “like that”.’

    While we tend to assume that men like to ‘sow their wild oats’ but women search for ‘the one’ some scientists suggest that it’s women, more than men, who actually need “the new” when it comes to sex. A 2017 study of more than 11,000 British men and women, aged 16 to 74, found women who lived with a partner were twice as likely as cohabiting men to lose interest in sex.
    Article goes on for a bit at the source.

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    It turns out, there are sound evolutionary reasons why we are are programmed to get bored making love to the same man and lust after others.
    There are some studies about the hormones that are programming us to look for another partner after about 3 years. And it's valid for both men and women. So we are doomed to that, studies say. But there can be some solutions to that, of course...

    If one man couldn’t give us sexual satisfaction in a single copulatory bout, perhaps another or another few could get us there.
    A lot of things about women were unknown for a long time in certain western countries. Women are naturally able to make love for hours, while for men is not that easy! So... men should put a bit more effort into it, and preferably learn sexual continence! By nature, is not that easy to satisfy a woman...

    As more and more women now start to assert themselves in this area of their lives, some find themselves breaking society’s taboos — whether through infidelity or exploring more open relationships.
    I think it's better to go for a more open relationship than infidelity... or better divorce, if married, and find someone else instead!

    Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I still wish to find one good partner to be my whole life with, without needing to look for someone else! When you are looking for someone else, then it's clear something is missing in your relationship... so better try to fix it! If it's not possible to fix things, no matter how hard you try, then maybe you should end it... why stay in a relationship if it doesn't work?

    Some stay because they just became good friends in so many years... but still, I think that's weird, especially at an age when you can still be sexually active, you still have sexual desires, and you are actually looking outside your relationship. But I don't want to judge anyone for that, it's their own business what they do with their lives. Usually people get what they deserve anyway, so people who are cheating will get their reward sooner or later, that's karma, the natural law of the cause and effect!

    Many more are keen to make conventional, monogamous marriages work. Dr Lisa Diamond is a professor of psychology and gender studies and she says it is still possible to keep the spark of excitement alive.
    A strong predictor of desire in long-term relationships, she told me, is when couples make an effort to do something new together. ‘I’m not talking about just sex,’ she says. ‘It could be skydiving, or taking a dance class, or going on a zip line.
    ‘When couples participate in new and thrilling activities together, they often report a resurgence of puppy love from seeing their partner from a new angle. And the simple fact is that our partners don’t stay the same over time.
    ‘If we want to be monogamous, we can look for and find novelty in that same person.’

    Exactly! Better try to fix things first... there are lots of ways to do that, if both partners want it!
    Die Farben duften frisch und grün... Lieblich haucht der Wind um mich.

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    Of course they will try to avert their gaze, but have you ever looked into the eyes of a cheater?

    The sinking feeling this evokes has to be one of the worst sensations someone you love can cause you. I'd rather be punched in the face than ever experience such treachery again... And, no, I'm not referring to my little Lilly. I'm referring to the only other woman my heart ever really performed flip flops for. She is also the one who left carrying our child, unbeknownst to me at the time. I was utterly devastated by what this woman callously did to everyone who actually cared for her and did everything they possibly could to help her through a life crisis I also later learned she mainly fabricated in a deceitful effort to get her way.

    This has to be one of the most merciless, and dishonorable trends to ever catch on these days.

    They have no shame. They have no empathy. They're willing to sacrifice everything that matters in an otherwise solid, loving relationship to bounce around beneath the sheets with virtual strangers... How sick this is.

    "There are some studies about the hormones that are programming us to look for another partner after about 3 years. And it's valid for both men and women. So we are doomed to that, studies say. But there can be some solutions to that, of course..."

    Hmmm. I think these studies made by "experts" playing with statistical accounts is way off base as usual regarding this matter.

    Real love increases between couples who work at developing it. And this includes the intensity of the passion they find together as this love grows... And, yes, I am referring to Lilly and myself here as a personal example.

    "A lot of things about women were unknown for a long time in certain western countries. Women are naturally able to make love for hours, while for men is not that easy! So... men should put a bit more effort into it, and preferably learn sexual continence! By nature, is not that easy to satisfy a woman..."


    There are other ways to please a woman other than PIV sex, as you should well-know. A man who masters the art of cunnilingus can have many women who can't climax via PIV sex following him around like a kitten. But I find it odd that many men who enjoy fellatio delivered by their SO, somehow find it unappealing or unmanly to reciprocate that favor.
    Aside from an ever increasing number of mortals who have willfully chosen to worship Satan and his minions, our battle has always been against the powers and principalities operating surreptitiously throughout this twisted world.

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    In other words scientists are figuring out what we knew all along. That women were never allowed to control
    their own sexuality in the past for a reason.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gareth Lee Hunter View Post
    This has to be one of the most merciless, and dishonorable trends to ever catch on these days.

    They have no shame. They have no empathy. They're willing to sacrifice everything that matters in an otherwise solid, loving relationship to bounce around beneath the sheets with virtual strangers... How sick this is.
    Unfortunately yes! And I've read a book, but it's in Romanian, that consists of a collection of letters written by women of various ages and sent to a French magazine for women... it reveals just how 'fickle, shallow, stupid, fluctuating, egocentric, mean and snob' (direct translation from the book title, maybe not the best one) a lot of women are nowadays... Reading it was very good, since it helped me understand there's nothing to understand in the behaviour of women like that. Many years, while I was in school and had to be around girls my age, I tried to understand their way of thinking, as personally I have a different approach on love and relationships issues. This is the reason why I have more male friends than female friends, I really dislike being in the company of such females, to be honest! I was thinking maybe it was something wrong with me, but after reading that book I figured out it was nothing wrong with me, but with them...

    Poor men who have to deal with such women... Many of my male friends have been heartbroken from females like them, I've heard lots of stories like that, unfortunately!

    As a woman I was trying to understand this behaviour of many females... but it seems there's nothing to understand, it's just stupidity and being driven by sexual instincts, nothing more than that! But many males are like that, too, unfortunately!

    What I've learned from that book, as the author of it also has some comments about the whole collection of letters... A woman like that, being so stupid and shallow, will always run from love, and from people that love her, and she will always choose the men who only want to have sex with her without loving her, sometimes even being brutal or violent... And after many years they will eventually realize someone really loved them, but it will be too late to go back to that person! And such women keep complaining how unhappy and unlucky they are!

    Believe me, there are some letters in that book you would probably never imagine a woman could write something stupid like that! But it's true, it's a real collection of letters! I really invite all men to read it... it's really revealing! And good to know what kind of women to avoid... I hope they will translate it into English too, at some point... It's really worth it!




    Quote Originally Posted by Gareth Lee Hunter View Post
    "There are some studies about the hormones that are programming us to look for another partner after about 3 years. And it's valid for both men and women. So we are doomed to that, studies say. But there can be some solutions to that, of course..."

    Hmmm. I think these studies made by "experts" playing with statistical accounts is way off base as usual regarding this matter.
    Well, statistics are just statistics, they can never be too accurate. There's always something missing.
    But the studies I was referring to refer to the biological aspects, which are common to all animals. Of course for human beings there is more about it, and when you love each other things can change and the relationship can last forever if you want to.

    The problem is: many people don't distinguish between love and sexual attraction. They are not the same thing, even if, of course, sometimes they can go together! But unfortunately many relationships are started just on the bases of sexual attraction, when love is not involved, or it is just one-sided. A relationship like that cannot last forever. 3 years is an optimistic assumption, usually relationships like that don't last more than a few months.

    Love is blind and sometimes it's not easy to see if your partner really loves you or not. So it can happen to not love you and only be just sexual attraction there. Or attachment or whatever else, but not love. But on this we could write and discuss for ages...


    Quote Originally Posted by Gareth Lee Hunter View Post
    Real love increases between couples who work at developing it. And this includes the intensity of the passion they find together as this love grows... And, yes, I am referring to Lilly and myself here as a personal example.
    Exactly!
    Well, me and my ex could also be an example to some point, but... we're too much incompatible and that hurts. Of course he wants me back, but I think it's better to be just good friends. Sometimes it can be too late when you want to repair things... But we still love each other. Our love grew during years and became more mature. After so many years... but I think it's better to stay just friends. There were also some hurtful things there, which I don't want to ever experience again, and some things just don't work. When I wanted to fix them together, he didn't have time for me.

    But we can be friends forever and love each other as friends too. He is also friends with one of his ex-girlfriends, with whom he was more than 12 years in a relationship.

    In our relationship he was the one feeling that I wasn't complete with him and he was always encouraging me to find one more partner. Which I never wanted to do! Just a few times I fell in love with someone else, and so I realized indeed it was something missing in our relationship, so he was right. But we were very open about it, and discussed everything! Actually, each time I was falling in love with someone else, he was the first person I was telling that, and he always advised me what to do, encouraged me, and eventually suffered with me if that other person didn't feel the same. So that's real love and real friendship!

    Well, some women may think I am a little bit weird, but I never wanted to be with more than one man, and even if my man encouraged me to do so, I didn't want to! And I was only intimate with one man in my whole life, and I am not ashamed to admit that!

    Many people have different views and perceptions about love and sexual desires, but for me it all starts in the brain! Even if I can feel sexually attracted to someone, it's not enough for me to go and have sex with that person! Probably many women from this study are like that, they don't need love, just mere sex... But that's definitely not for me!
    No matter how sexually attractive a man appeals to me, if he's not interesting from an intellectual point of view, meaning that I can discuss interesting things with him, then the attraction suddenly disappears.

    Some men probably experienced that with women too. Seeing a gorgeous looking woman, and then talking to her and realizing how stupid she can be! But it's not just about that... I have to share common interests too... and there's a long list to go.

    And it must be love too... Mere sex, without love, is not for me! I only make love, I don't have sex, no, thank you! If I don't feel loved too, then I cannot do that, sorry. Even if I am head over heels in love, I still have brains, fortunately! Maybe I was lucky enough to feel when someone was interested just for having sex, and nothing more, as I was lucky enough to avoid that several times.


    Quote Originally Posted by Gareth Lee Hunter View Post
    "A lot of things about women were unknown for a long time in certain western countries. Women are naturally able to make love for hours, while for men is not that easy! So... men should put a bit more effort into it, and preferably learn sexual continence! By nature, is not that easy to satisfy a woman..."

    There are other ways to please a woman other than PIV sex, as you should well-know. A man who masters the art of cunnilingus can have many women who can't climax via PIV sex following him around like a kitten. But I find it odd that many men who enjoy fellatio delivered by their SO, somehow find it unappealing or unmanly to reciprocate that favor.
    Of course you're right there! Your woman must be lucky, hehe!

    I think it's not wrong if I would blame that lack of knowledge and ignorance from the last couple of centuries on the Christian church as a whole... I am not referring to the religion itself, but to the institution that created inquisition, for example.

    By the way, men can have multiple orgasms, too! But how many men are actually aware of that? That's a question!


    Quote Originally Posted by Astragoth
    That women were never allowed to control their own sexuality in the past for a reason.
    Man, your way of thinking belongs to the middle ages, sorry for putting it straight like that, but this is how it is!
    Die Farben duften frisch und grün... Lieblich haucht der Wind um mich.

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    Man, your way of thinking belongs to the middle ages, sorry for putting it straight like that, but this is how it is!
    No my thinking belongs prior to 1965 before the jews cultural revolution and women were told it was ok to act like whores.
    The average white woman has less morals than a 1940's prostitute.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Astragoth View Post
    No my thinking belongs prior to 1965 before the jews cultural revolution and women were told it was ok to act like whores.
    The average white woman has less morals than a 1940's prostitute.
    No. You're both right and wrong at the same time about this matter, Astragoth. (I'm not your enemy, btw).

    My little lady lost her mind after she was beaten down and broken the last time by her first husband. Her exemplary life with me as my wife has convinced me Lilly did nothing to warrant such violent abuse. She is so little, for God's sake! What kind of man would do such horrible things to someone who loves him with all her heart?

    And she has since forgiven her first husband to his face. My God! I am not even worthy of such love!

    Do you support such violence to enforce your will on those who look to us protect them? Surely not. I know you're a good man, Astragoth.

    If two people can't find happiness together naturally, how can such loving interaction be forced upon them?

    Lilly stays with me because she wants to. I would never try to forcefully prevent her from leaving me. We can't make women love us with force. And without honest feelings, what's the point?

    Do you really want a woman to bow to your will due to obligation? Or do you want a good woman to honestly love you for being the good man that you are?
    Aside from an ever increasing number of mortals who have willfully chosen to worship Satan and his minions, our battle has always been against the powers and principalities operating surreptitiously throughout this twisted world.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Astragoth View Post
    No my thinking belongs prior to 1965 before the jews cultural revolution and women were told it was ok to act like whores.
    The average white woman has less morals than a 1940's prostitute.
    Our society is also somewhat more corrupting, however.

    Women tend to go with the flow society and what is popular. Blending in socially is more important for them, than it is men. As a man can survive alone out in the woods without society if he knows what he is doing. Whereas a woman? Not generally.

    The way society breaks the psychology of a person, or warps and distorts them, is reflected in women's sexuality. Men have their own issues, but such usually relates more to giving up on society and tuning out. Whereas women tend to become more manipulative, twisting what society has programmed them to value and cultivate - sex appeal, into a tool of manipulation to achieve desired ends. Throughout this, a woman loses her virtue and purity, largely for the sake of a perceived fear of being left out by society. And yet the irony is, she would be far more likely to have the love, comfort, and security she desired, if she maintained her virtue and purity in order to find a truly worthy partner, and ignored society asking her to whore it out for a bit of passing male attention.

    Alas...that is the choice of the woman: One much harder to make a good decision on, when nearly all of society promotes promiscuity, and in given the female's natural inclination to seek social acceptance. As again: for a woman, social acceptance links in far more deeply with their particular set of ingrained biological survival mechanisms, than it does a male.

    However, in a sense, it comes back to being the male's responsibility for not working more diligently toward creating a society that avoids breaking and distorting the psychology of women to begin with. In this regard, we and our fathers, have failed to such an end. What has been sown shall continue to be reaped, for as long as it is sown.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Blusnayl View Post
    The way society breaks the psychology of a person, or warps and distorts them, is reflected in women's sexuality. [...] Whereas women tend to become more manipulative, twisting what society has programmed them to value and cultivate - sex appeal, into a tool of manipulation to achieve desired ends. Throughout this, a woman loses her virtue and purity, largely for the sake of a perceived fear of being left out by society. And yet the irony is, she would be far more likely to have the love, comfort, and security she desired, if she maintained her virtue and purity in order to find a truly worthy partner, and ignored society asking her to whore it out for a bit of passing male attention.
    Are you sure? It's really difficult for women who don't want to follow the 'social imposed standards' to find a partner... so it's very difficult to find the love, comfort and security they desire. It's like swimming against the current.
    Almost all men want women to look like in magazine covers, for example, or to follow some certain standards similar to those. Or to have lots of sex experience (if they don't have any it means they are not good enough, if no one wanted them before, why would they want them). And most men just want to have fun, they don't care about love and feelings anymore. And the list can continue.
    Things are really complicated here. But I appreciate your optimism. Maybe I am wrong. I really hope I am wrong.

    Quote Originally Posted by Blusnayl View Post
    However, in a sense, it comes back to being the male's responsibility for not working more diligently toward creating a society that avoids breaking and distorting the psychology of women to begin with. In this regard, we and our fathers, have failed to such an end. What has been sown shall continue to be reaped, for as long as it is sown.
    Good point! Men should do something to solve this problem instead of complaining about it!
    Die Farben duften frisch und grün... Lieblich haucht der Wind um mich.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Víðálfr View Post
    Almost all men want women to look like in magazine covers, for example, or to follow some certain standards similar to those.
    Not any more than women want men to be impossibly fine, with lots of money to spend on them.

    Or to have lots of sex experience (if they don't have any it means they are not good enough, if no one wanted them before, why would they want them)
    Um... WHAT?? So you think men want the mother of their children to be as slutty as possible? To screw around with hundreds of guys? No, men want women to be sweet and to actually care about them, and not measure their worth as purely sexual or financial.

    And most men just want to have fun, they don't care about love and feelings anymore.
    Men care about your feelings if they love you. Your task is to make that happen. And I suspect it's exactly the same with women, too.
    Most people think as they are trained to think, and most people make a majority.

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