View Poll Results: Describe the relationship with your ex

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  • We're not in contact anymore.

    8 57.14%
  • We say "hello" if we run into each other on the street, nothing beyond that.

    3 21.43%
  • We remained friends.

    3 21.43%
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Thread: Friendship with Your Ex?

  1. #1
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    Friendship with Your Ex?

    What is your approach about having a friendly relationship, or being in casual, speaking terms with an ex?

    One of my brothers is happily married but recently started talking with his ex online. She added him on Facebook, they started chatting and liking each others' pictures, and now he's going down memory lane about their relationship.

    My approach is a simple and big no-no. I advised him to cut her out and give her the boot. There's a reason why an ex is an ex, and it's not a casual person. I'm not talking to my ex and I'm not interested what he's done since we separated, least of all to go down memory lane. In fact, many psychologists advise it's no good idea. The best way to move on from a relationship is to unfollow your ex on social media, block their phone number and keep looking forward.

    What about other members? Do you stay in touch? How would you feel if your spouse was still friends with their ex? Accept it or not?

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    Depends how and why the relationship ended, and what relationship we're talkin about. Me and my ex husband separated amicably, I wouldn't say we're best friends but we're still in speaking terms. Well I disowned his sister so I'm not much for their family reunions though. My actual husband knows all about it and he's fine with it. It ain't healthy to pretend like the relationship never happened either. Just treat it as part of your life and move on from there.

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    Even if everything is totally innocent (or you believe it is,) it's just not healthy to one's current relationship to try to carry on some sort of friendship with your ex. I think if you've ever had deep feelings for someone, that is never really going to go away completely. If you have moved on with your life and found someone else to share similarly deep feelings with, revisiting the past will make you doubt the good things you now have. Out of sight, out of mind is the key. Sure, you're not going to forget past relationships, and you might even remember them fondly, but it's best to just keep the past in the past unless you want it to also be in your future.
    Most people think as they are trained to think, and most people make a majority.

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    Hmm, I think it depends also. I'm not in speaking terms with my first ex, our relationship ended abruptly and in a negative manner. But I'm in friendly terms with my last. My former ex is from Hungary, so our relationship was a long distance one which we mutually ended because it took a toll on us, and we weren't the type of letter or Internet romance peoples. We are however in speaking terms, we don't speak every day but I would say maybe once a month we drop each other a note. Both of us are single at the moment so we're not really crossing any boundaries. Would we still speak if we had relationships? I'm not sure. If my or his partner didn't like that, I would stay aside out of respect for them, however we don't discuss romantic topics or have such feelings for each other.

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    If you're still friends with your ex, then why did you split-up in the first place?

    Of the numerous relationships I've experienced, and moved on from, I've absolutely no desire to rub elbows with any of my ex girlfriends. They've got their worlds and I've got mine.

    I've only been married once to my soulmate for 26 years. And only the Good Lord will ever end our lives together by taking one or both of us in time. And I do know for a fact that if she goes first, I'm going to be one lost soul.

    BTW, when a soon-to-be ex you still happen to deeply care for yanks your heart out and hands it back to you by saying with a smile, "Can we still be friends?" don't you just feel like pounding them into the ground?

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    Well, cause friendships and relationships are two different kinds of things. Friendship obviously doesn't imply romance and lust.

    So what about folks who get a divorce then, huh?

    Pretending like you never had that relationship is just the other extreme.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gefjon View Post
    Well, cause friendships and relationships are two different kinds of things. Friendship obviously doesn't imply romance and lust.
    Believe me, I'm old enough to know the difference between a sexual relationship and platonic friendship. And I've experienced many more of the former than the latter.

    So what about folks who get a divorce then, huh?
    Couples with progeny who get divorced are never really going to be able to lead completely separate lives because of their parental responsibilities. So, whatever their differences, they should at least maintain a facade of civility between them for the sake of their children.

    Pretending like you never had that relationship is just the other extreme.
    I don't pretend as if any part of my past that I remember never happened. I just don't dwell on it. My realty exists in the present. And I'm perfectly satisfied with what I have now.

    I just hope for the sake of everyone involved that you're being honest about your true feelings in this matter.

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    I'm not in contact with my ex and I hope never to share the same entourage because probably I would ignore him, pretend like he never existed.
    The relationship ended for a reason and there's no need to go back to that 'place'.
    Honestly, if my partner was still 'friends' with his ex I would have a problem with it, it would bother me.

    BTW, when a soon-to-be ex you still happen to deeply care for yanks your heart out and hands it back to you by saying with a smile, "Can we still be friends?" don't you just feel like pounding them into the ground?
    Yes, exactly.

    Often that's just a false nicety, what many probably mean by that is to be 'friends with benefits', run away from the responsibility of a relationship, but still be able to use you for sex or material favours. A clear NO to that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gareth Lee Hunter View Post
    Believe me, I'm old enough to know the difference between a sexual relationship and platonic friendship. And I've experienced many more of the former than the latter.
    Okay, so do you believe that once you've had a sexual relationship with somebody, friendship is impossible? I ain't saying it's not difficult, but some folks can stay friends with their exes without having any sexual thoughts. I mean, they separated for a reason, if they still felt attraction and all, they'd still be together. I've known folks who started getting along better as friends rather than partners.

    Couples with progeny who get divorced are never really going to be able to lead completely separate lives because of their parental responsibilities. So, whatever their differences, they should at least maintain a facade of civility between them for the sake of their children.
    Yeah, that's one of the things I had in mind.

    I don't pretend as if any part of my past that I remember never happened. I just don't dwell on it. My realty exists in the present. And I'm perfectly satisfied with what I have now.

    I just hope for the sake of everyone involved that you're being honest about your true feelings in this matter.
    I'm quite happy with my current relationship, and I'm sure my ex husband is happy with his. I'm an honest, actually quite blunt person. If I had any feelings for my ex, we wouldn't have separated in the first place. Don't get me wrong, it's not like my ex husband has suddenly turned into my BFF or something, we're not close friends, but we have a respectful relationship with one another.

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  13. #10
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    It depends on the way of the separation, for me.
    If both partners simply grew apart over time, have no feelings for each other anymore and it’s clear, that the split was amicable and mutual, it might be possible to still be in contact, but only from time to time. Just to see how the other is faring.
    Constant communication would be very odd in any case and I can’t imagine many new partners would put up with that, either.

    The former is probably one of the less common cases, though. If only one partner broke up and the other still had feelings, it’s definitely better for both to break contact. Otherwise one will always cling to the dream of getting the old partner back, which is absolutely psychologically unhealthy and the other will be annoyed and face problems in a new relationship. It's better to make a painful break than draw out the agony.

    If children are involved, it’s of course yet another case, as parents, even if they’re separated, should have some form of working relationship for the sake of the child. But there’s no friendship needed, either.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gefjon View Post
    Well, cause friendships and relationships are two different kinds of things. Friendship obviously doesn't imply romance and lust.
    Quote Originally Posted by Gefjon View Post
    Okay, so do you believe that once you've had a sexual relationship with somebody, friendship is impossible? I ain't saying it's not difficult, but some folks can stay friends with their exes without having any sexual thoughts. I mean, they separated for a reason, if they still felt attraction and all, they'd still be together. I've known folks who started getting along better as friends rather than partners.
    That’s perhaps, I’m sorry to put it that way, more of a female way of thinking, generally speaking(although, as evident in this thread, many women on Skadi seem to think different).
    Men normally don’t want the friendship of women, at least those they know in person and are halfway attractive to them. Least of all that of their exes and let’s be honest if they were in a relationship, physical attraction was there and for a man it won’t go away just like that.

    That’s probably simply the way the male brain is wired, physical attraction/sexuality is always a part of it. While for a woman mere physical attraction usually isn’t as important as for a man and friendship is possible even between singles.
    That’s why the “friendzone” exists, after all and is almost always unrequited from a woman towards a man, rather than the other way round.
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