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Thread: What`s Wrong with Me (Involuntary Celebacy)?

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    Senior Member Sågverksarbetaren's Avatar
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    What`s Wrong with Me (Involuntary Celebacy)?

    OK, whatever, I`m doing this, I am going to expose myself and my personal struggle, hoping that i can find some guidance. If you, who read this, alredy feel emberrased over where you think this is going, please stop read now for your own good.

    First of all, I really don´t want to pull the victim-card the first thing I do, so let`s just keep this straight to facts; I`m a virgin (I hate that word). There, I said it, the humiliating truth. But it is not sex that I, primarily, want, but rather love and affection, to be close to someone. Every night I look myself in the mirror and think "am i really THIS unattractive", with all the failed dating attempts I have experienced (always ending in utterly failure) spinning in the back of my head. I don`t really believe in destiny, but sometimes I wonder if it`s not pre-determined that I must live my entire life alone (or maybe that the loneliness will motivate me to play some other role in politics or whatever).

    I have presented my real personality, I have faked my personality, I have even reconsidered to copy the strategy presented in the book The Game. Nothing works, girls have NEVER been interested in me, and the more I try the more socially handicapped i feel, and it`s get harder to rise up and motivate yourself every time. I have plans to just stop this carousell of humiliation and try to accept my loneliness and a life without love and affection, it is either that or keep struggling, untill you find "the one" (if she exists, which i doubt). It is somewhat of a dilemma for me; to just give up seems pathetic and a potential path to suicide thoughts, but to keep flirting, dating etc. with girls, and constantly be responded as if you are a potential rapist or some weirdo can be risky for my mental health, and in the worst case scenario my sadness might transform into bitterness and maybe even mysogynism.

    Sure, I can blame everyone else, and maybe feminism do have some factor in my situation (Sweden being a feminist hellhole and all), but at the end of the day the only one that really can be blamed is myself. There MUST be something wrong with me, for being rejected this many times. Not knowing what it is, causes me both frustration and anxiety; frustration for knowing how much love I can give to a potential girlfriend (love that now slowly whitters away), anxiety over the existensial crisis I, as a male, go through when I realise that my life (nor my death) has any meaning (we humans have this curse called awareness, awareness over our own existence, and the intellectual capability to understand how utterly useless you are as a male if you don`t manage to attract any females).

    I guess that one of the reasons (and I don`t know how to change this) to why i´m not attractive is how I often find myself uncapable of understanding girls and woman in social situations. For example, an anecdote from my "highschool" (I know, I use americanized language) days;

    In my class I actually had a girl that I could talk to and who seemed to appreciate me (as a friend, or at least as a classmate). She was quite intelligent, and I was highly intelligent (I don`t brag or anything, intelligence is one of the worlds most overrated human abilities, and says nothing about your functionality as a human and/or person in a society) and we spend some time together to study (thinking back, even though our relationship was strictly "formal", she probably is the girl I have "bonded" with most intimate in my entire life, and I kinda miss her ). Anyway, as in any school we have the tough guys who seem to get swarmed by girls by doing almost nothing other then look good and being... cool. This "hive-mentality" among girls, in itself, is something I just can`t understand, but what strikes me thinking back to these guys and how easily they interacted with the girls, is 1) how they treated my female classmate i mentioned above; giving her sexist compliments (wich in feminist definitions (she, just as most young swedish woman, was of course a feminist) would be descrided as "objectification") and even grabbing her body and her... ehum, ass, and 2), and this is important, how she seemed to enjoy that treatment. Then i figured, what if I, the nice, somewhat geeky, kid would treat her the same way. I mean, she knew me better then the "ass-grabbers", so if she enjoyed such a treatment by these guys - that just goes around treating other girls like that to - why would she then be horrified, disgusted etc. if I would treat her that way (let`s face it, that`s how she would react, right?). I just can`t, logically, understand that behaviour.

    But who knows? Maybe involuntary celebacy shouldn´t even be considered a problem in our society? I know that it makes ME unhappy to live like this, but maybe there is something inside me that makes me unsuitable for relationships. Maybe girls and woman know, subconsciously - as a result of evolution and strive for natural selection - , when this "something" (bad genes or whatever) inside guys like me manifests.

    I don`t know what I want with this thread really, i guess that If there is some magical formula out there, that i`m not aware of, that could help me hook up with girls, that could increase my self-esteem or whatever is necessary, then i would appreciate that.

    Anyway, life goes on. I feel a bit emberrased telling you this, i just wanted to ventilate my thoughts and my... pain.

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    It is not fate or destiny; it is YOU. Change that and your life will change.

    Sågverksarbetaren it takes a certain amount of guts to post what you have here. And I can completely understand what you are going through and I'm here to tell you that you're not unique. What is happening with you happens to about 95 percent of the adolescent and young adult male population. So don't fret anymore. Here I'll make some suggestions so I'll go through this in point-form so I can make myself clearly understood. I don't want to sound didactic or patronising, trite or cliched but I know what it is like to be where you are and what I say here is drawn from my own experience. So here goes:

    No. 1: Be yourself. Don't try and act "cool" or "tough" (whatever these terms are supposed to mean) or artificially strain after being something you are not. Everyone with an iota of perception can pick when someone is acting and it invariably comes across as false and strained. If girls or women don't like you for who you are, that is their problem, not yours, and you are better off without them. Remember the wise words of Confucius: "The superior man is himself and has no need to be otherwise."

    No. 2: Stop the self-criticism and self-doubt. Stop demoralising yourself. If you really want to change your situation, stop beating up on yourself and telling yourself that you are totally unattractive and a complete loss when it comes to finding someone with whom you can share close affection and joy. I'll put money on it that there are plenty of women out there who would find the real Sågverksarbetaren very attractive--it is a mathematical and statistical certainty--but you have to stop criticising yourself and begin believing that you and your situation can and will change. I am sure you are perfectly attractive young man but being negative prevents others from seeing this. And I will guarantee it that if you do settle down and start training yourself to be the man that you are meant to be, your life will change in all areas including and especially in the female companionship department.

    No. 3: Failure is NOT final. What you are going through is temporary--believe it--and it will change if you work at changing it, and this means you MUST BE POSITIVE within yourself and your mind; negativity is a cancer that eats away at the mind and will. Every time you have a negative thought let it go as something false and harmful to your mental well-being. This takes practice, but once it is done you will find yourself in an immeasurably better mental state. You are the master of your own destiny provided you make the necessary effort and do what you know in your heart to be right. Don't give up the fight! Persevere and if and when you are "rejected" simply fall back, take stock of what happened, reorganise yourself, and sally forth once more. You are an intelligent young man, you can see the purpose and value of this I am sure.

    No. 4: Give yourself time. None of the above is going to work instantly. It will take persistent and sustained effort on your part, but I will again put money on it that if you change yourself your entire situation will change. But don't fret if it doesn't all happen at once. Be patient and make the effort and over a reasonable length of time you and your situation with the female sex will change.

    There is a happy, fulfilled, confident, and assured young man in Sågverksarbetaren, all you need to do is bring him out. That's very cliched but it is true. To quote Confucius once more: "The answer is in you." And as Joni Mitchell sang so many years ago: "Down to you. It all comes down to you."

    I know what a lot of what I've is pop-psychology trite, but it is nonetheless true for it being trite. Many practices and sayings are trite for just that reason: they are trite because they are true and have been said and done, and proved effective, through centuries of human experience.

    Over to you Sågverksarbetaren, and keep us informed of your progress.

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    Senior Member Zombiehunter's Avatar
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    1. Be yourself. Don´t try to imitate.

    2. Books are nice to read. Welcome to reality, nothing works.

    3. Don´t worry about still being a virgin. But don´t wear it like a warning sign in front of you.

    4. Look for hobbies where you meet women. Soccer, Rugby etc. is not good, try instead of it a fitnesscenter. Join a mixed choir or something similiar.

    Most important:

    Don´t loose faith in yourself!

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    Senior Member Jens's Avatar
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    Don't worry dude. Work on a career, income, a home. Plenty of women will be interested when you demonstrate that you are a well balanced, solid human being who can take care of himself, and potentially her.
    Being a virgin isn't unique either. Everyone in my family has waited till marriage, as am I. If you don't perceive it as a shameful deficit, others wont either.
    Apfelstrudel mit Vanillesoße, yeah I said it, what are you gonna do?

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    Whether or not you're doing something wrong, depends on the result you are trying to achieve. You can try to be like those "jocks" you described as much as you want, but it will probably just end you up with someone as shallow and intellectually ripped as 'yourself'. And even if some worthwhile, intelligent women seem to value and award such type of behavior, it is hardly someone they really want to end up with.

    However, I think the advice of simply 'being yourself' is slightly inadequate, as it appearantly haven't given you the results you're after. At least not so far. And as you say yourself, just waiting around for that one woman who may fall in love it you, will only contribute to making both you and your situation more miserable as time goes by. Instead, you'll just have to envision what person you want to be, and become the manifistation of that vision. I'm not saying you're inadequate as a person, and I'm sure a much more interesting individual than the vast majority of the boring lowlifes that makes up a large part of our populations. But everyone has the potential to better themselves, and the current state of 'you' clearly isn't achieving the goals that you have set out for yourself.

    When you have reached this vision of yours, your problems and worries will also begin to solve themselves out. That's at least what I believe.

    As for being emberrased, you should have no reason to be. You're simply struggling with what most other good people have at some point in time.
    A nation is an organic thing, historically defined.
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    One thing I learned is that your behavior always shows how you really feel inside, even if you try to hide.
    You aren't that selfconfident. And you show it - unwittingly. Due to your behavior others "know" that. They feel it even if they aren't aware of.

    No girl wants a guy with a low self-esteem.
    They want a man who can give her the feeling of beeing safe. And who they think can take care of a family somewhere in the future.

    For Example: You don't look into your opposite's eyes while talking. You look to the ground when you walk through the streets. Your head stucks between your sholders, you don't have an upright posture.

    Try to change little things like those. Only to hold your head up high can give you a better, more confident feeling. And you radiate this feeling to your environment. People recognize your strength. And they will handle you with respect..

    My english is not that good. But I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say.

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    Senior Member BigNoise's Avatar
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    Read this blog. http://heartiste.wordpress.com/

    Every day.

    No, this is not a simple "game" blog. While that is a primary focus, it goes FAR beyond that. I guarantee you will learn more than you ever thought possible about male/female interaction, sociology, the evolutionary basis behind certain behaviors, etc.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BigNoise View Post
    Read this blog. http://heartiste.wordpress.com/

    Every day.

    No, this is not a simple "game" blog. While that is a primary focus, it goes FAR beyond that. I guarantee you will learn more than you ever thought possible about male/female interaction, sociology, the evolutionary basis behind certain behaviors, etc.
    'Feminism Is Making Americans Fat'

    Is this parody?

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    I know you are a male and perhaps it isn't the manly thing to be a virgin, at least in the eyes of so many. Yet true manhood has nothing to do with not being a male virgin et how many women a man had sex with. Though I am a woman I will tell you without having any shame that I was a virgin until I got married.

    Today's women many times have a very cheap way about them as so many have lost true womanhood. All a man has to do is look half way decent and talk sweet and they are ready to jump into the bed with him. The excitement of the moment overtakes any common sense and self worth. This is the ugly reality.

    Be proud of who you are, you have a conscious, seldom found these days among males. Remember to always look a woman into the eyes when you speak to her, women love it, I do and I am a woman. True love includes a spiritual and physical intimacy which grows with time, each day a little more. And the growth never stops...In today's culture it is also wise to be prudent, aside from the moral issue, and to be very selective and cautious. There aren't enough of condoms to prevent STDs, which are rampant not only among the youth but among all age groups.

    There is someone out there for you, be selective and settle only for the best. It will be worth it.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided; and that is the lamp of experience. I know of no way of judging the future but by the past.
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    Hello brother. I am also a single male and I can understand completely what you are going through. First off. You need to realize that you are not a 'failure' or a 'useless' man because you are single and a virgin. You have said that sex is not the goal you are striving for and so you prove that you desire a deeper relationship.

    That is an honourable thing to wish for.

    Gender roles and human relationships itself have been turned upside down thanks to our modern neurotic society and pop culture. Selfishness and narcissism cause many relationships to crumble. Without the stable nature of a solid marriage and family unit...our societies will crumble.

    You seem quite distraught at the sight of men who behave like gawdy, cocky jerks and thus women seem to flock to them. Do not marvel at this, for it is complete folly.


    I will attempt to make some points on this and offer some advice. So bear with me...

    Most jerks out there have little self esteem in themselves so they play the actor by being a spontaneous badass. They are too afraid to show their real character so they put on a show of egomania and general immaturity.

    Either this...or they are the result of terrible genetics and social environments.

    But I still also stand by the fact that the woman who falls for the jerk is most likely to suffer from the same low self-esteem, but there could be another very important reason. In case you haven't noticed, women love playing the role of the relationship therapist.

    Some women would do anything just to have the chance to get others to pour out their troubles, while they attribute most problems to an Oedipal pre-adolescent complex. Most women love to know that they're the ones who discovered the solution to their partners' problems and, in turn, "healed" them

    This strange tendency in many modern women is also an effect of our failing modern society. A clear-headed woman would prefer a true gentleman over some fool who lives like a rock star. She is either very selfish or immature if she only desires somebody who is "fun and spontaenous" rather then "stable and honourable."

    My main suggestion is this: BALANCE!

    A man should be able to act kind and gentlemanly when dating a woman, all while maintaining some mystique. Simply find some sort of middle ground because no woman wants a pushover. But NEVER treat a woman like an object or an ornament. This is something lesser men do.

    As for the girls who seemingly 'enjoy' being objectified...

    A girl who constantly falls for jerks is probably not worth having in the first place. Just be yourself, because whoever said that "Nice Guys Finish Last" was never in a relationship with a great girl to begin with. In the long run, the jerks are left with little black books filled with phone numbers of insecure girls, while the gentlemen gets the woman worth spending a lifetime with.

    You may feel lonely and unsure about your future regarding having a relationship. You may feel that no woman out there could want to be with you...this is not true. No man out there has met EVERY woman....

    As men, we must not lose hope in anything because we do not know the future.

    Some tips:

    - BE yourself. Know your strengths and talents and utilize them! Be confident. Do not put on a veneer of falsehood to attract a woman. It is unfair to you both. No relationship can be built on lies.

    - Burn that "The Game" book with fire!

    - Be calm around women. I have personally seen that many women love a guy who can keep his cool in tricky situations.

    - Be Chivalrous! Dude...this is perhaps one of the most under-appreciated things a guy can do. I believe this is paramount to proper behavior for a man. We must treat our women as prized and valued individuals. Hold a door for a lady even if she looks at you strangely for doing so. Being chivalrous is the right thing to do.

    - Take strength in a personal sense of honour and a moral code. Be proud of wanting a real committed relationship and not desiring the one night stands and flings that so many hollow people have been suckered into. Rampant promiscuity is one the reasons modern marriages and attitudes towards solid relationships are failing. Having sex for the sake of enjoying sex is selfish and downright evil. Do not be shamed about being a virgin. It makes you no less of a man.

    - Make eye contact and smile a lot. Be positive.

    I can't say how long you will be single...it could be months...It could be years. I am also single and I have been single for a few years. Don't give up hope and seek strength in your solitude and use this time to achieve goals in your life. There is much to be learned and experienced and much good can come out of a time of solitude.

    As men, we are supposed to be strong and industrious with or without a woman in our lives. I would strongly protest against living a life of celibacy...it is not natural. Yes, we men want a good wife to spend our lives with, but until we find the right one....we will confidently live our lives even if we are single.

    I am sure there is a woman out there for you and when your paths cross...you will be glad you waited patiently for the right one.

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