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Thread: How to Be a Conservative Columnist

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    How to Be a Conservative Columnist

    This article made me chuckle, I thought I'd share it here:

    So, you’re a young white male columnist who’s looking to get paid to write about politics? Your first challenge is deciding what politics you’ll write about. Your first instinct might be to parrot the liberal talking points you were indoctrinated with in college, but all your peers have that first instinct, too.

    The colleges are pouring out hundreds of thousands of journalism majors who think just like you do while the liberal media outlets are hemorrhaging money and employees due to poor ratings and competition from alternative media outlets. Furthermore, there are more token minorities on the left, and the white male spots are reserved by a cabal of cosmopolitan liberals and aging hippies with ponytails. Consider becoming a conservative columnist instead.

    I know what you’re probably thinking, “But..I have Leftist principles! I have a visceral contempt for working-class whites, their culture, their pastimes, their religion, and their very existence. How can I be a conservative columnist?” This is where it gets exciting: conservative columnists more effectively promote liberal ideology than liberal columnists. By exploiting some critical design flaws in the typical American mind, you can fool them into thinking they agree with you before you even begin writing, then you can cleverly indoctrinate them with Leftist ideology. If you carefully abide by these ten rules for being a conservative columnist, you can make a living doing what you love.

    1. Know that it’s usually about race . . . but insist that it’s never about race.

    Minorities are boiling over with racial resentment. White American racial resentment is just as hot, but the lid is fastened down tightly. They’re in a state of deep denial. Your role as a conservative columnist is to find ways to channel that psychic energy in harmless or useful keep the lid on it. To effectively do that, you need to understand what’s actually going on. Whites resent their neighborhoods and schools being overrun by immigrants. They’re frustrated that their sidewalks are no longer safe to walk on because of Black criminality. They’re cornered, and they understand on a visceral level that their wealth and resources are being channeled to these hostile groups.

    Your job is to engage in rhetorical Jiu-Jitsu, redirecting working-class white frustration into projects which are irrelevant to actual white interests.

    2. The Second Amendment

    Seeing your neighborhoods overrun by a tribe of people who behave and speak very aggressively is annoying. Annually, several thousand white women are gang raped by black men, while entire years pass without the inverse rape occurring. Being besieged by a socially dominant group which is raping dozens of your wives and daughters every day can result in feelings of inadequacy and emasculation.

    This is where “gun rights” come in. If there’s been a recent string of interracial attacks, thump your chest about the right to bear arms. Thump your chest about defending “liberty,” too. Act like “The Constitution” is a relevant document that is under siege. The white man will sublimate his visceral urge to engage in male threat displays into pointless militia-style patriotard outbursts. Our specialists in the FBI and DHS will take it from there.

    3. Welfare Queens

    This is one of two exceptions allowed for engaging in racial stereotyping, so get your mileage out of it. You can’t come right out and say that Black people are soaking up White people’s taxes, but you can imply that very strongly. The goal is to translate the “us” and “them” paradigm, from the racial experience from which it originates, into a purely economic one. Once you’ve effectively convinced them that you’re talking about “those people” when you’re talking about cutting taxes and cutting government services, they’ll actually cheer you on while you’re taking away resources from their schools, hospitals, and even their own retirement entitlements.

    4. Arab Terrorists

    This is the second of two exceptions allowed for engaging in racial stereotyping. The Islamic world poses a great enough threat to your boss’s extended family in Israel that he’s offered a limited-time exemption to the anti-racism policy. Insult the Islamic religion, and only the religion, calling attention to its most primitive and repressive elements. Pretend that Islamic immigration to America will guarantee that “Sharia Law” is just around the corner. But be sure to avoid the obvious conclusion: stopping immigration and driving Muslims out of America. The conclusion you need to reach for is invading more Muslim countries. This actually creates more refugee crises and actually exacerbates the problem you got them riled up about in the first place, but don’t worry too much about that. The depths of gullibility and denial of the white American conservative mind have yet to be charted.

    5. Anti-Racist Triangulation

    Accuse your friends on the left of being racist. (Don’t worry, they’re in on the joke.) When your white readers are being targeted by anti-white poverty pimps, claim that those people are the “real” racists. This will fill your mouth-breathing audience with the satisfying glow of moral superiority while indoctrinating them with leftist ideology. The exception to this rule is when Jews are targeting your readers. When that happens, try to ignore it. If it can’t be ignored, distract them with a fakeout...

    6. The Faggotry Fakeout

    Curiously, the white American conservative is more concerned about whether or not his son shares a platoon with a queer than whether his son’s platoon is slaughtered in the desert by the Israel Lobby. This is another expression of the intense emasculation your readers are experiencing. Your job as a conservative columnist is to transfer their anxieties and concerns about things that matter, into concerns about anal sex. For example, they’re concerned about their Christian religion being undermined. Rather than engaging them in a thoughtful discussion about how their denomination’s theology has been hijacked by Cultural Marxists and promoters of “Christian Zionism,” indulge them with some moral outrage about homosexuals.

    7. The Abstract-ism Fakeout

    Play on your readers’ intellectual insecurities and their fear of traversing taboos at the same time by doing a search-and-replace on your columns to replace references to the people actually threatening them and their way of life.

    For example, when when Blacks are attacking them, complain about “urban gang culture.” When third world immigrants and free trade policies rob them of their jobs, point your finger at “red tape” and astronomical capital gains taxes that “punish success.” Yes, White American conservatives will actually imagine that they’re unemployed because of “socialism” while they’re falling through the tattered safety net that our billionaire oligarchs have shredded.

    8. Marry an Asian Woman

    It can be soul-crushing to settle for a soul-mate without a soul, but it’s a smart career move. Presuming you don’t get mixed up in a chain-migration scam, marrying a non-white and having non-white children as a powerful amulet against any accusations of racism. This empowers you to reach out farther on the branch of race-baiting without getting picked off by the organized groups that specialize in targeting and terminating people who are actually racist.

    This strategy worked so well for John Derbyshire that he was actually able to write numerous blatantly pro-white articles before the powers that be finally realized that he was a sincere and explicit racial realist.

    9. Worship Tokens

    Slobber obsessively over token minority “conservatives” like Marco Rubio, Colin Powell, and Herman Cain. Pretend they’re qualified right-wing political leaders when they’re clearly not. Take the lead in insisting that they be appointed into every non-elective sinecure that comes up for consideration. Completely ignore cases where Marco Rubio engages in “open borders” pandering, Colin Powell drops conservative ideology altogether in favor of racial solidarity with his racial cousin Barack Obama, and Herman Cain gets exposed as so ignorant about foreign policy that he can’t even remember which countries we’re at war against.

    If a white columnist says something you wish to link to or discuss, wait a few hours for a minority columnist to rehash the same point, then link to him and pretend it was his idea. Once you’ve made it onto the life raft of paid conservative journalism, mercilessly hack at any pink or pasty limbs that clamor at the sides. If one of your Caucasian colleagues gets a bit carried away and the anti-white sharks smell blood, throw him to the sharks as rapidly as possible. If you hesitate out of pity or respect for your doomed co-worker, they’ll take you down with your entire raft.

    10. Be a Masochist

    Bondage fetishists include “doms” who are sexually excited by dominating others and “subs” who are excited by being humiliated. Successful conservative columnists apply this framework to American politics, playing out the manner and behavior of a sexual masochist. A skilled masochist howls out in agony and feigns outrage as he or she is being beaten, abused, and humiliated by the sadist, but doesn’t say the “safeword.” In the bondage community, you arrive at a safeword before you begin which you’ll only use if you truly want to stop being beaten, abused, and humiliated.

    Common safewords in the bondage community include “safeword” and “red.” If you want to keep playing, you will avoid saying those words. In political discourse, you’ll want to avoid exclaiming that “blacks are targeting whites in an epidemic of violent attacks,” or “Third world immigration threatens our demographic majority which will destroy our traditional communities.” If you make one of these statements, you’ll no longer be invited to the bondage party and will have to find a new career.

  2. #2
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    A very entertaining article, and mostly correct about American conservatives. (Apart from the civic-nationalist Sverigedemokraterna, we don't really have that type of mainstream conservatives here, but I know the sort well enough).

    The "it may be soul-crushing to settle for a soul-mate without a soul" part was the funniest of all.

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    Ha ha ! Excellent!

    Ive found the original too, if anyone wants it:

    Apropos of John Derbyshires Dismissal

    The Talk: Conservative Columnist Edition

    By Matt Parrott

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