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Thread: Dealing with Spousal Abuse

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    Dealing with Spousal Abuse

    This is very, very hard for me to write, but, I need some sort of support right now, and I figured that I could get a bit from like-minded people here on Skadi.

    I had been with this person for about 4 years and a half, and married for exactly 3 years when he finally went too far and tried to strangle me to death on this last Oct 31st (he still denies it - said I made the marks around my neck myself while having a seizure...)

    I still wonder sometimes why I put up with it for so long. You see, he had multiple mental illnesses that I had no idea about until after our marriage, and then after we were married I figured that it was my duty as a wife to stand by him whatever it took. Some might call it stupidity (it was to a certain degree); I called it adhering to my vows. I was abused for the entirety of the marriage, off and on. The excuse would always be the same "I'm off my meds"; "I'm stressed out from work"; "It's your fault so you should stfu and leave me alone"; etc. I won't get into much detail as to what the abuse actually entailed because I don't feel too strong to do it...

    What puzzles me is that I called police on numerous occasions, and they did nothing, absolutely nothing. I lived in Texas at the time. Every time they'd come, he'd put on this respectable face, and tell the officer everything was fine and that it was just a domestic dispute.
    I was "lucky" this last time because he managed to break into my room (locked) with his bare fists, just destroyed the door as if it was made out of paper... 3 or 4 other people called 911 and he was arrested on the spot.

    He got bailed out though, so I moved up North (best thing I ever did in my life) and then he got stranded there because of other charges against him (dwi, assault w/deadly weapon, possession, etc) and 4 days after arriving here I was immediately admitted to a hospital with three pulmonary embolisms and was just released the day before yesterday. Grand jury is in January and I am very scared he can get off unscathed.

    Has anyone here ever dealt with anything similar? I know it's a very, very touchy and personal subject, but I felt like I needed to share my story and get some perspective from anyone who could offer. I have been dealing with PTSD now and it's horrible as I can't sleep, focus or do anything anymore. And to top it off I can no longer work in labs, because of my therapy with warfarin. I am home alone writing and researching for a PhD, but every little noise startles me and, even though I've recently gotten pretty close to another guy, I find it very very hard to trust him and freak out over small things. And I've known him forever, since undergrad days... I've been to support groups and the like, but I feel like I can't relate to most people there... I mean no offense but they're mostly african american women and hispanic women who think these things are normal and actually defend their abusers. When I say anything that goes against what they perceive, the "counselor" tells me to be a little bit more "open-minded". OPEN-MINDED?! I don't get it.

    I am just so very lost. I am sorry for the tl;dr, I think I just needed to vent. Thanks to anyone who's read this.

    Oh, a small PS: He was a member here but hasn't been online since march, I believe. If anyone wants to get him removed or whatever (that would be wonderful to me...) maybe a mod could PM me and I can show you the website with his charges/mugshot/inmate info to prove the story or whatever you'd like. It just hurt like no tomorrow to log in here and see his avatar and his posts.

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    If you can afford it, i would recommended maybe seeing a regular one on one counselor. Maybe take some self defense courses to build self esteem.


    Don't blame yourself or feel bad, it wasn't your fault. I haven't been in that situation personslly but I know people who have.

    FYI, you can block him on here.
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    I remember he sent an insulting post my way and you apologized to me for him.

    Real men don’t hit women


    You have been through so much already I am sure you will get through this.
    Our beauty is our power, our strength. We can’t allow them to change us, to lessen us. I will never grant them that satisfaction, and neither should you!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Frostbite View Post
    If you can afford it, i would recommended maybe seeing a regular one on one counselor. Maybe take some self defense courses to build self esteem.


    Don't blame yourself or feel bad, it wasn't your fault. I haven't been in that situation personslly but I know people who have.

    FYI, you can block him on here.
    I am seeing a one-on-one counselor, but because of my recent hospitalizations, I'm mostly bed-ridden, which makes it a bit hard. The hospital counseling is 5min away from where I live, which is why I go there most of the time. I can't take any self defense classes either, or any sports, nothing. I am tutoring kids and playing piano and studying for my PhD, but that's about all I can do.

    I already blocked him here. I just hope he won't cause any more issues. Thank you so much.

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    Maybe this is a too personal question and you needen't answer it, but I wonder where your family was in all of this? Whenever I read a story about an abused woman I get the feeling she somehow exists in a vaccuum with her abusive boyfriend without any contact with family members. It seems very strange.

    It almost seems as though the abusers find women without much family support which enables them to abuse them without much risk. In my family we have a common understanding that this type of behavior would not fly and it would end as soon as it is discovered, even if someone has to go to jail over it.

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    I'm so sorry about everything you've been through. The man I left four years ago was a drunk and a hitter. He stabbed me when I was going to leave him for cheating on me, and I lied about the circumstances to the hospital. I stayed with him because I was fearful and I told myself that it happened because he really, really didn't want me to leave, and therefore he must love me. Now I know that's BS.

    When he killed my bird, I left.

    I think most abused women justify the actions of their men in this way.

    Hang in there.

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    This is terrible.

    But at least things will just get better for you from now on.

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    I'm sorry to hear this. However, it looks like you've been through the worst parts already, so so things can only get better from now.

    Quote Originally Posted by Schwanengesang View Post
    I still wonder sometimes why I put up with it for so long. You see, he had multiple mental illnesses that I had no idea about until after our marriage, and then after we were married I figured that it was my duty as a wife to stand by him whatever it took. Some might call it stupidity (it was to a certain degree); I called it adhering to my vows. I was abused for the entirety of the marriage, off and on.
    Unfortunately, this is rather common in abusive marriages. The abused wife is already so attached to her husband, that she sticks to his side even after he beaten her up. It's not uncommon that abuse victims still have feelings for their abusers, even if the non-emotional part of their mind realizes they are in danger. Eventually, the abuse becomes a normal part of everyday existence and it's too easy to make excuses for the abuser.

    (As a neurologist, this might interest you: according the "geno-centric" view of human life, there is one thing more important than safety and life itself, and that is reproductive success. Life is important, survival is important, only because you cannot reproduce if you're dead. Life is just a means to reproduction. Organisms are vehicles for their genes, and it is the genes that influence your decisions in life. IMO, this "geno-centric" viewpoint explains a lot why a battered spouse is staying with an abusive partner if it has a benefit to the victim's posterity, even if it causes huge damage to the victim herself. Mind you, I'm not saying this is what happened with you, but I'm merely trying to understand what is behind all this.)

    He got bailed out though, so I moved up North (best thing I ever did in my life) and then he got stranded there because of other charges against him (dwi, assault w/deadly weapon, possession, etc) and 4 days after arriving here I was immediately admitted to a hospital with three pulmonary embolisms and was just released the day before yesterday. Grand jury is in January and I am very scared he can get off unscathed.
    Sounds terrible. I wish you the best of luck, though.

    Has anyone here ever dealt with anything similar? I know it's a very, very touchy and personal subject, but I felt like I needed to share my story and get some perspective from anyone who could offer. I have been dealing with PTSD now and it's horrible as I can't sleep, focus or do anything anymore. I've been to support groups and the like, but I feel like I can't relate to most people there...
    Having never been in such a situation myself, I'm not that knowledgeable, but I'll try to help out. If you have any family to get in contact with, I'd advise you to do so. Family is the most important structure we have in our lives. If there isn't anyone...well, I wouldn't go to group sessions or any meetings full of strangers, but rather start seeing a counselor one-on-one. Maybe regular visits to a psychologist would be good. (Not that I have much faith in psychology anyway, but it's better if you have someone you can vent your emotions to.) And maybe a martial art or self-defense courses would be a good thing.

    Also, try to do things you like. What are your dreams in life? What do you want to do? Make a new list of goals, you're free to chart your own course in life from now on.

    I mean no offense but they're mostly african american women and hispanic women who think these things are normal and actually defend their abusers. When I say anything that goes against what they perceive,
    Bad idea. I wouldn't recommend any support groups full of negroes and mestizos and other people that you simply can't relate to on a mental level. You won't get any improvement from that, only frustration.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Patrioten View Post
    Maybe this is a too personal question and you needen't answer it, but I wonder where your family was in all of this?
    I actually don't have any. My father passed away in 2008 and I dont have anymore contact with my adoptive mother....I didn't have any friends, either, except for those in University and Medschool.... but even then, I wasn't allowed/couldn't go out, and everytime someone would come hang out with me, there'd be problems...so I slowly isolated myself...

    Quote Originally Posted by Patrioten View Post
    It almost seems as though the abusers find women without much family support which enables them to abuse them without much risk. In my family we have a common understanding that this type of behavior would not fly and it would end as soon as it is discovered, even if someone has to go to jail over it.
    That's amazing.

    You know what his family did? His mother bailed him out, his father's family threatened me and they say he did what he did because he is "sick" and deserves "understanding". Those who believe me, that is. Because some don't, they think I am making it up. Me, 5 witnesses, 3 police officers and the state of Texas. We're ALL making it up.

    The way his family is dealing with it is disgusting...but it's none of my business. It hurts me that they have money to pay him a top notch lawyer and all I have is the DA that won't even bother to call me back most of the time. I lost 4 years to this man, a lot of money and a lot of academic opportunities, but... it's life. I will recover and rise from this.

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