View Poll Results: Are you jealous in your relationships?

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  • Generally yes.

    6 35.29%
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Thread: Jealousy in Relationships: Productive or Destructive?

  1. #11
    Senior Member triedandtru's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bärin View Post
    There is nothing wrong with making reports of your activity to partners. As I said before, if you decided to share your life with someone, everything you do is his business. There is nothing wrong with demanding to know everything partners do.
    I totally agree. The more you share with the other person and the more they share with you the more intimate the relationship can be.
    "Gallantly shall he speak and gifts bring who wishes for woman's love: praise the features of the fair girl. Who courts well will conquer."

    The three highest causes of the true human are: Truth, Honor, and Duty.

  2. #12
    Senior Member starprincess's Avatar
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    I believe that everyone has seen that green eyed monster a few times in their life. It is human nature, as much as we try and fight it, it happens.

    I believe that constant jealousy in a relationship is definitely a negative thing. It can lead to multiple things; unhappiness, distrust, and hate.

    If you are jealous of when your significant other looks at the opposite sex, then it is an issue you are having with yourself, it is you that does not feel comfortable with yourself or have confidence in yourself. I mean there are the limits, if your spouse sits there and constantly talks about the opposite sex in front of you and never praises you, then there might be a problem. Otherwise, the way I see it I will trust you unless you give me a reason not to

    My husband and I are very comfortable in our relationship where we can openly discuss any issues. My husband can tell me what he thinks of a girl, and I can say what I think about another guy and neither of us get jealous of the other.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Freyr Filosofer's Avatar
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    I'm not an expert, but I think it's healthy. you feel what you feel and I think it's dangerous to abandon your moral impulses.

  4. #14
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    10 Times When Jealousy Is Actually Healthy In A Relationship

    When jealousy in a romantic relationship hits, it wells up inside of us, a unique mix of sadness, competition, anger. It feels like an immune reaction — what I imagine it feels like when you're bit by a poisonous spider.

    But part of the reason jealousy makes us feel so uncomfortable is that we typically think of it as toxic and unhealthy emotion — something to rid ourselves of ASAP. So we add on a layer of self-blame

    Yet thinking this way is precisely what makes jealousy feel insurmountable, even though it's a totally normal thing to feel. To keep with the spider analogy: when you're bit by a poisonous creature, your body will react — a rash, a hive, other kinds of acute inflammation. This response is, quite literally, a call to action: your body is telling you to DO something.

    Even in healthy circumstances, jealousy may still feel toxic, but that toxicity can be a very valid warning sign that there's something you need to communicate to your partner.

    Here are 10 particular situations where your jealousy is a healthy call to communicate with your partner and take action …

    1. Someone is giving flirtatious vibes to your partner.

    Say you're at a party, standing with your partner. Someone comes up and starts talking to him. A lot. He/she is giving your partner focused, intense eye contact and enthusiastically asking questions. Remember, flirting doesn't have to be explicitly sexual.

    You're left in the shadow of the conversation and feel jealous as a result. Perhaps you feel that the person is sexually interested in your partner, and that his response could be sending the wrong message. Perhaps you wish, on some level, that the other person were giving you attention instead of your partner. This is totally natural

    So what to do about it? Well, if you can, in the context of the conversation: pipe in! Odds are, your partner will pick up on your hope to shift gears. If not, wait it out, and confront him once the other person has left.

    Plain and simple, admit to your jealousy: "Hey, I felt kind of jealous when X came up to us at the party. I felt like he/she was giving you a lot of attention, and I felt left out." From there, you can hash it out.

    2. Your partner is giving flirtatious vibes to someone else.

    This situation may feel a little more uncomfortable, as it's more likely to produce feelings of inadequacy.

    This situation is similar to the above. Sure, you don't want to assume your partner is up to no-good, but you're entitled to feel what you feel. If she's with another person at a party and you feel threatened, you can feel free to try and include yourself. If that feels forced or uncomfortable, simply confront her after the conversation has ended.

    3. Your partner is bragging when you're in a rough place.

    Hearing anyone brag about his successes can be really annoying, but in the context of our relationships, we usually want to be there as a sounding board for some bragging. We want to feel happy for our partners when they succeed.

    That said, there are extenuating circumstances. Maybe you had a bad day at work. Maybe you're experiencing a bout of depression. Maybe you're sick. Regardless of why you're not feeling your best, hearing your partner succeeding when you feel subpar can produce jealousy.

    Rather than probing the jealousy (as it is likely somewhat irrational), simply tell your partner you're not feeling your best. You may even say something like, "Listen: I'm super happy for you about X. But I'm just having a rough time right now, do you mind if we talk about it later?" You can be happy and reassuring, and also honest.

    4. Your partner succeeded in something you are both pursuing.

    Couples often pursue particular activities together. You and your partner may decide to take up yoga. But what happens when he gets praise for his handstand in yoga class? You may feel jealous. And that's OK.

    After class (to keep with this example), you may casually say to your partner: "Ha. I felt kind of jealous in yoga when the teacher complimented you. Want to help me with my handstand?" You aren't being competitive or trying to outperform him. You're just being honest, and that will bring you closer.

    5. Someone mentions something about your partner that you were unaware of.

    When you're in a relationship, you often quickly start to feel like every detail of your partner's life is a part of yours. Perhaps she always texts you during the day to tell you what she ate for lunch, or what her co-worker said to her in the bathroom. Sometimes, you even feel like you deserve to know everything about your partner's life. Sometimes this morphs into codependency. Sound familiar?

    So it can feel painful when we learn from someone else something about our partner that we were unaware of — even if it's totally nonthreatening. Say you are with your mutual friend and he tells you about your partner's insane talent at painting. I had no idea she painted! you think. You may feel jealous: why does our friend know about her painting hobby and I don't?

    Again, it may be quite irrational. But still be honest: very straightforwardly ask her why she didn't tell you, and tell her it made you feel jealous or bad. She'll either have a reason, or she won't — but she probably didn't intend to hurt you.

    6. Your partner treats another activity like a second relationship.

    It's possible to feel like your partner is cheating on you with something other than a person. If he gets really into a particular form of exercise, a particular hobby or other activity and spends all of his time doing it, you may feel left in the dust.

    This doesn't mean you don't want him to pursue his new thing — but you're allowed to feel jealous. Tell him! Maybe he had no idea, and will invite you on his next run, or to his next spin class. When we communicate our needs, we often find out that other people had no idea we were even feeling a particular way. We can't assume others can read our minds.

    7. Your partner goes on a trip or has an experience that you aren't apart of.

    Experiences — particularly those involving travel — can make us feel transported, renewed, reborn, even. That's why it's especially hard to deal with those times in your relationship where your partner has an experience, interaction or trip that is transformative, and we aren't present.

    Tell your partner, "I'm so happy you had so much fun, but I felt kind of jealous that I was totally not apart of it." You may suggest doing a special activity or going on a trip together.

    8. Your partner treats his/her friend(s) with tremendous attention.

    I've had girlfriends tell me, "I have a ton of guy friends, and it always makes my boyfriend jealous." It's probably nothing for their boyfriends to worry about, but let's give the guys a break: it makes sense.

    Of course you'll be a secondary (or tertiary) concern at times, and that's fine. But voicing your jealousy to your partner will only make him that much more sensitive about it, even if there are those moments when he's getting drinks with friends.

    9. Your partner makes comments about other people's attractiveness to you.

    Enough said. Some people are OK with this kind of gesture. In some relationships, partners openly communicate about past relationships and sexual encounters, and even "check people out" together.

    But this is a pretty normal reason to feel jealous. You want to feel like the center of your partner's sexual attention. Say something, kindly but firmly: "It makes me feel jealous when you say things about other guys' attractiveness in front of me." Easy enough, right?

    10. You feel like your partner doesn't appreciate you.

    If you don't feel appreciated, your mind will likely start to see all of the ways that your partner appreciates other people and things. This is a serious issue in your relationship, and something you definitely need to raise with your partner.

    Of course, feeling amorphously unappreciated in your relationship is probably more difficult to talk about than a specific action. But it's arguably more urgent.

    Bottom line: you should always feel appreciated in your relationship. Feeling appreciated will ensure that jealousy is not a constant.
    http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16687...ationship.html

  5. #15
    Senior Member Englisc's Avatar
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    My grandma is being prevented from seeing one of her best friends - because he's got a new girlfriend and she doesn't want him seeing any female friends, even though they've known eachother for many years and there's nothing romantic in the relationship. I think that's going way too far - OK to want your partner to stay faithful but is it really needed to prevent them seeing anyone of the opposite sex, even longtime friends?

  6. #16
    Senior Member Nordic Angel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Englisc View Post
    My grandma is being prevented from seeing one of her best friends - because he's got a new girlfriend and she doesn't want him seeing any female friends, even though they've known eachother for many years and there's nothing romantic in the relationship. I think that's going way too far - OK to want your partner to stay faithful but is it really needed to prevent them seeing anyone of the opposite sex, even longtime friends?
    This is sick and goes way too far. There's nothing wrong with a little jealousy in the relationship, it shows that you really care about your relationship and want to keep your partner. But not allowing the partner to have any friends of the opposite sex is completely exaggerated. It's clear that in a relationship none of the partners should flirt, kiss or even have sex with another man/woman. But no-one has the right to forbid his/her partner to have friends of the opposite sex. People who do this should see a psychologist.

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nordic Angel View Post
    But no-one has the right to forbid his/her partner to have friends of the opposite sex. People who do this should see a psychologist.
    Indeed, such extreme jealousy is typically a sign of someone having extremely low self-esteem and/or other psychological issues to deal with. It's also often a sign of someone secretly harboring the interest in having 'wandering hands' themselves and set their own standards of "fantasy infidelity" for their partner, too.

    I've been in relationships with women who have been hardly jealous, middle jealous and highly jealous. The ones that were most jealous were the ones that had a new partner the soonest after we call it quits, the one who was pathologically jealous even as much as bringing the new lover home into the flat we still shared for another four months.

    So, some jealousy is OK and can be flattering, but too much is too much. And the point when it comes to forbidding contact to one's friend without good reason, and/or seeing competition in everything that walks, it's definitely too much.
    -In kalte Schatten versunken... /Germaniens Volk erstarrt / Gefroren von Lügen / In denen die Welt verharrt-
    -Die alte Seele trauernd und verlassen / Verblassend in einer erklärbaren Welt / Schwebend in einem Dunst der Wehmut / Ein Schrei der nur unmerklich gellt-
    -Auch ich verspüre Demut / Vor dem alten Geiste der Ahnen / Wird es mir vergönnt sein / Gen Walhalla aufzufahren?-

    (Heimdalls Wacht, In kalte Schatten versunken, stanzas 4-6)

  8. #18
    Senior Member Catterick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sigurd View Post
    Indeed, such extreme jealousy is typically a sign of someone having extremely low self-esteem and/or other psychological issues to deal with. It's also often a sign of someone secretly harboring the interest in having 'wandering hands' themselves and set their own standards of "fantasy infidelity" for their partner, too.
    Reminds me of a psychological type, called disingenuous sociopath. They find a vulnerable "sucker" while they sleep around and they control their sucker's life.

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sigurd View Post
    Indeed, such extreme jealousy is typically a sign of someone having extremely low self-esteem and/or other psychological issues to deal with.
    I confess: I´m that way. I can´t do anything about it, I don´t have a high belief of me so I feel inferior to most other women. In a relationship, I´m always afraid that I will be cheated or dismissed for another woman. And life experience agrees with me!

    My fiance left me just a short period of our scheduled marriage. It was the greatest pain and trauma for me in all of live. I was so ashamed that I left almost everything and created a psychical and physical bunker around me. And I still suffer from it, years have past, but the pain and scars are still aching.

    I´m sure that I would be a very jealous person in a future relationship. So I better don´t burden some guy with myself.

    "Judge of your natural character by what you do in your dreams" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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    Quote Originally Posted by Thusnelda View Post
    I confess: I´m that way. I can´t do anything about it, I don´t have a high belief of me so I feel inferior to most other women.
    You're not, you're awesome. I think I said before: The guy who ends up with a woman like you, will be one lucky guy. Always remember that.

    In a relationship, I´m always afraid that I will be cheated or dismissed for another woman. And life experience agrees with me!
    I confess: I used to be super-jealous as well. Perhaps I didn't show it all the time, but I'd often give someone the stare-of-death. Or I'd jump to really strange conclusions and give the other person a scene. :

    For me, it wasn't so much a question of self-esteem, I always knew I was a person of potential. For me, it was the issue of never quite getting over the fact I was from a broken home --- and as such, I felt like I didn't belong and as such the idea of being left behind alone was my own semi-pathological fear. It would feel a lot like being a two-year-old kid all over again.

    Naturally, one girl after the other left. Naturally, several of them ended up engaged with my immediate successor. Sometimes they'd even left me for the guy. And I kept on being afraid - the more women I added to my tally, the less likely it'd be to find a nice girl, because I might be considered 'damaged goods'.

    My fiance left me just a short period of our scheduled marriage. It was the greatest pain and trauma for me in all of live. I was so ashamed
    I told you this before, too. Someone who deals you the greatest hurt and blow and then leaves you behind in a situation where you feel ashamed is pretty much just an asshole not worth shedding a single tear over.

    In hindsight, it should have been dead obvious he was an idiot from the moment he took seven months to give you an answer on that super-cute thing you did to woo him. He should have been smitten immediately, and should have walked over and kissed you right away. Not some lame response like the one he offered when you finally got together.

    He wasn't in love with you, he was in love with the idea of settling down and it was sweet while it lasted. It's tough to know that - but it helps to mend. This wasn't meant to last, and sometimes we have to make huge person-mistakes before we get everything right.

    The right guy would have known where to take you on honeymoon instead of leaving the continent, and would have been patient enough to wait for it until after the knots were tied. Everyone knows it's the guy who decides where to go - but everyone knows it's the girl who decides where to go.

    I´m sure that I would be a very jealous person in a future relationship. So I better don´t burden some guy with myself.
    If it's the good match, then you won't be very jealous, you'll just be as jealous as he needs you to be. And if it's meant to be - it's not a burden, it's a challenge, and challenges are there to be mastered. And if it's not mastered, or becomes a burden, then it wasn't meant to be.

    When you realise that you may have shortcomings in some things, and strengths in other matters, but for that one person, you're just right, then you'd be surprised how quickly the constant jealousy wanes. That guy also isn't going to give you many reasons to be jealous. A guy who flirts with everything that walks is cool when he's 20, but when he reaches let's say 24 or 25, he should know the "wild years" are over.

    If he really likes you, there's no need for him to constantly flirt with other girls, and thus ask the question "what's she got, that I don't?" --- he in fact won't feel compelled to do so, because he'd know that you'll always champion any comparison for him.
    -In kalte Schatten versunken... /Germaniens Volk erstarrt / Gefroren von Lügen / In denen die Welt verharrt-
    -Die alte Seele trauernd und verlassen / Verblassend in einer erklärbaren Welt / Schwebend in einem Dunst der Wehmut / Ein Schrei der nur unmerklich gellt-
    -Auch ich verspüre Demut / Vor dem alten Geiste der Ahnen / Wird es mir vergönnt sein / Gen Walhalla aufzufahren?-

    (Heimdalls Wacht, In kalte Schatten versunken, stanzas 4-6)

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