View Poll Results: guys, do you ever cry?

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  • yes, all the time, it's totally natural!

    6 5.08%
  • sometimes

    40 33.90%
  • almost never, but I have shead a few tears in my life

    60 50.85%
  • never, it's downright weak

    12 10.17%
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Thread: Men, Do You Cry? / Should Husbands Hide Weakness?

  1. #11
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    A Man and Father is also just a Human being, and Humans have weaknesses. There is no Point in denying that. The proverb "shared joy is double joy, shared suffering is only half suffering" isn´t there for nothing. My Fiance and i have equal rights, equal obligations, we both earn money, care about the kids, do the housework etc. so why not share all our luck and burdens?

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    Should a husband demonstrate weakness in front of his wife? Cry? Share his fears and doubts? Or should he hide these things from her?
    I suppose it's all in how we define these things.......but to me, as usually is the case, the answer lies somewhere in between the extremes. Sure, a chronically blubbering emo baffoon is nothing to aspire to. Grab the bull by the horns and get the job done, man!

    But then again, a immovable, non-peripherally looking statue of a man can be similarly detrimental. We are not one dimensional creatures and to treat ourselves as such is to do our humanity a disservice.

    Weaknesses, fears & doubts are a part of being human. There really isn't any way around it. We are inherrently flawed to some degree (as all are things, for that matter IMO). Our flaws are nothing to ignore but instead need to be addressed & remedied--sometimes with a little help from out partners.

    All that being said, I usually just try to suck it up and quietly & calmly address whatever the matter at hand happens to be....usually fixing the car, tractor or house in come capacity.

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    It's the balance that makes the good soup, as usual. Neither the "emotionless statue" nor the "crying in the corner emo" is the way to go forward.

    I know that when it comes to certain topics, that I am built to close to water - whilst other things might not move me at all. There I think it is important to show that you can cry but try not to.

    If you're going to cry - which any person will do at some point for whatever reason, then it's obvious to your partner as well. It's not like anyone is able to well enough hide their emotions to look like a statue to their partner immediately after they've had a bout of tears.

    I used to try to hide my weaknesses, but for that they came all the more apparent. Now I'm of the beleif that you should be up front with your partner and say whatever it is: for that shows another type of strength, to have the strength to still be confident whilst being aware of your weaknesses (and strengths for that matter!) and to keep a firm and set mind even when you're afraid.

    In fact, something along the lines of "I'm afraid that it's as good as impossible for me to do this, but I'll try anyway" is about the strongest thing you can say to a woman. It shows that you are modest enough to admit that you're not perfect but at the same time willingly take any challenges. Remember that it's those that have scruples and fear and happen to do the right things by happenstance who are the heroes in books, not those who are free of fear and doubt!

    Real strength is not to claim that your lack weaknesses, real strength is to live with your weaknesses and make the best of them.
    -In kalte Schatten versunken... /Germaniens Volk erstarrt / Gefroren von Lügen / In denen die Welt verharrt-
    -Die alte Seele trauernd und verlassen / Verblassend in einer erklärbaren Welt / Schwebend in einem Dunst der Wehmut / Ein Schrei der nur unmerklich gellt-
    -Auch ich verspüre Demut / Vor dem alten Geiste der Ahnen / Wird es mir vergönnt sein / Gen Walhalla aufzufahren?-

    (Heimdalls Wacht, In kalte Schatten versunken, stanzas 4-6)

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by aamed View Post
    Should a husband demonstrate weakness in front of his wife?
    No.


    Quote Originally Posted by aamed
    Cry? Share his fears and doubts? Or should he hide these things from her?
    He should ideally be close enough, trusting enough and connected enough with her to feel that he can cry and share his doubts and fears quite freely if he wants to. This is not weakness.

    It takes great strength to express one's most intimate emotions, thoughts and fears in an open and fearless manner.

    There is no weakness in recognising that you have problems, nor in feeling sadness or hopelessness etc... but there is weakness in not getting off of your ass and doing something about it once you have made the recognition.

    Men who wallow in self-pity are pathetic. (Then again, so are women who wallow in self-pity. )

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    It is necessary for man to be manly. In order to maintain his role as a figure of authority and a pillar of strength, he must demonstrate emotional maturity. An emotionally mature man thinks outward. He is well-aware of his obligations to others and of his responsibility to behave as a leader to his wife, to his children, and to his peers. An emotionally mature man does his best to display confidence whenever possible so that others may remain confident in him. He asks it of himself to not show weakness, for were he to do so, his credibility would simultaneously deteriorate. Yet, an emotionally mature man is also capable of understanding. He is not completely detached from the world and others.

    I hope the times in my life are few when I see a man cry. It is one of the most heartwrenching images that comes to mind. I have more respect for a man who cries and feels ashamed enough that he tries to hide it than for one who sees it fit to let down his walls. When you take this duty away from man and ask less of him, as is so common today, you devalue manhood. It should come as no surprise this is one reason why our families are in so much trouble. A man who lacks these requirements is nothing more than a boy, a child, or a woman even. Well, I do not want to marry one who acts as a boy or a woman. I want to marry one who understands just what he is meant to be - a man.

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deary View Post
    It is necessary for man to be manly. In order to maintain his role as a figure of authority and a pillar of strength, he must demonstrate emotional maturity. An emotionally mature man thinks outward. He is well-aware of his obligations to others and of his responsibility to behave as a leader to his wife, to his children, and to his peers. An emotionally mature man does his best to display confidence whenever possible so that others may remain confident in him. He asks it of himself to not show weakness, for were he to do so, his credibility would simultaneously deteriorate. Yet, an emotionally mature man is also capable of understanding. He is not completely detached from the world and others.
    Geez Deary... it would surely be lonely for a man up there on that pedastal. :p


    I have more respect for a man who cries and feels ashamed enough that he tries to hide it than for one who sees it fit to let down his walls.
    One can never truly know someone who never lets down their walls. What man would want a wife who does not know, nor understand him?


    When you take this duty away from man and ask less of him, as is so common today, you devalue manhood. It should come as no surprise this is one reason why our families are in so much trouble. A man who lacks these requirements is nothing more than a boy, a child, or a woman even. Well, I do not want to marry one who acts as a boy or a woman. I want to marry one who understands just what he is meant to be - a man.
    A woman's role in her family is one of nurturer and carer. She soothes away stresses with her tone of voice and softness of expression... she is a healer, a calmer, an empathetic soul... and she never thinks less of those she loves for viewing their vulnerabilities... nor should she ever feel inclined to take advantage when she does see this. A wife's role is to help nurture and support her husband back to full strength in his times of need...





    It has always been so. To ask less of her would be to devalue womanhood.

  7. #17
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    No. What kind of question is this, should we act like emos or not? A man shouldn't be forbidden to cry, but he should NOT do it in front of his wife or children. He should do it alone, away from their sight. There is nothing weak about men who get hurt in war and let a woman cure them. Their wounds are the result of their bravery. But crying is NOT.

  8. #18
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    I think you have misinterpreted my words, Bridie, or I did not do my best in expressing myself. A man has his role as much as a woman has hers. I understand it is unreasonable to expect men to never show weakness, and it is not in my heart to condemn them for it, but there is a difference in the character of men who show weakness yet try to remain strong and in the character of men who show weakness yet try not at all. When things are so bad that even he is in doubt, it is a woman's obligation, no matter what, to support him. I hope when I am a wife, I can be the lover and nurturer my husband needs so much that he never feels troubled or a need to cry. It is an ideal I think women should strive for just as I think there are ideals for men.

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    No, husbands should DEAL with their weaknesses!

    I have seen horrible wimpy passive aggressive men, who, talk about their emotions, flit about shagging everything that moves, tricking nice girls into believing that they are sensitive and caring, but then end up breaking their hearts and leaving a trail of destruction, as they mess around with their tarts.

    There are some really horrible women out there too, but they tend to do it the other way, by bottling it all up, until it leaks out through the corners.

    Often when trying to impress someone, people hide their faults, which then emerge, and can be quite an ugly truth. Me and my last girlfriend did this to each other, and although we did try and help each other, the nastiness got in the way. When things broke down, instead of talking about it, we spent a whole year laid up doing restaurants, drugs and afternoons in bed. During this time we lived in three different flats and there were a number of very nasty rows. Actually, that was about her level, and she was quite happy with that.

    I am not so shallow that it makes me happy to waste my time, as long as I am wasting someone else's. Some people are like that because they have nothing else. Today I think better than to spread my pearls before a pig!

    So, in that situation, there was never any question of my being able to discuss my feelings or 'weaknesses' because she would only take power from it, as she did when I tried to apologise when I had gone wrong.

    The reason why she engineered this dynamic was so that I could never end or progress the relationship beyond her power games, and, as I said, she was happy to waste her time, so long as she was wasting mine, such was/is her need to have power over others.

    Frankly, it was a grave disappointment to me when I discovered that my parents had feelings and weaknesses and I wish that they had shown them sooner to save me the shock of finding out for myself and then realising that I had them too.

    Good parents support their children, but not as extensions of their own egos. They prepare their children so that they can defend and look after themselves, and I do not think that parents (including fathers) need to hide their feelings in order to do this.

    I think that this presumption of the need to hide feelings and weaknesses is an presumption that the family is irreparably dysfunctional to start with.

    This is never going to be me. I am an Bhagwan/R.D.Laing/Rudolf Steiner sort of man. I like truth and for people to be open with each other. Better to get it out in the open and if it cannot be mended, well... time to quit.

    Some women are just not cut out to 'stand by their man'. I am not sure that we (men and women) need to get to the rowing, weeping stage, if we have the chance to talk about it first.

    I read feminist Germaine Greer's 'The Female Eunuch', at a very formative stage in my life and way she described women has having cut themselves off from their feelings and turned themselves into hags and harridans was pretty much spot on. Of course, she had a few things to say about men too.

    Well, I am rambling on... and I am rather too attached to the subject just now.

    I think that if you need to go to a therapist or see a counsellor about it, the relationship is probably f***ed anyway, or you need to spend time looking out for yourself, or open up to each other. If you cannot open up, where is the relationship going? Transactional, cardboard, overcompensation, retreat into sense indulgence, neurotic patterns, power games.

    I am only saying this because a lot of this happened to me, and it was terribly unpleasant. I decided she was 'gammy' a long time before the relationship ended.

    Similarly, I would think it painful to be in a relationship where the female partner has to keep the stiff upper lip for fear of losing power. How can you hope to find even the smallest satisfaction in a relationship like that?

    If I ever get married then it will make quite sure that the relationship comes second to my connection with God, because no human being deserves to be worshipped and this is what so often happens!

    Actually we only find satisfaction in God, but if you have a partner who is reasonably compatible, and who understands this basic truth, then you do not have to become boring about it when things are not perfect. Knowing that you can never find satisfaction in another human being makes those little weaknesses and flaws easier to forgive, and therefore easier to make good.

    What is this whole nonsense about men not crying? Why deny when you are upset about something? Better to not be upset in the first place, but to do that you need to get it out of your system! This lacrymation-repression idea is akin to the religious repression of sexuality, a way for authority to control people by making people feel guilty and giving them neuroses. How many people can really go away and cry in private and that be enough for them? Is it really so unfair to cry in front of others? It is unfair to repress it or blame others. It is unfair to whinge or 'emo' at people, but if you are just sharing, what is the problem?

    Amongst the most emotionally mature people I have met have been people who followed Shree Bhagwan Rajneesh when he was still alive. Some of the meditations they did were VERY dynamic and shamanic in their nature. Similar to Gurdjieff. During, or at the end of these meditations people would sometimes even cry, have orgasms, lactate, soil and wet themselves, vomit, or scream.

    The idea is that you can go through all of this and become peaceful inside and emotionally mature, and that it is better to do this alone, but in a group, rather than manifest it in your daily life.

    If I am not peaceful inside, then it is my problem, but why have a relationship with someone who does not want peace for you?

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    Hmm... I've never seen my boyfriend cry. Not even at funerals. I always had the impression men aren't so quick to cry as women. If he cried of course I would comfort him, but I don't think he should cry in front of children, if we have some one day. The children need to see the father as a protector. He does however "vent" sometimes about his problems at work, and I listen. I comfort him with a hug. But he does the same for me.

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