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View Full Version : Could You Love Another Person's Child? / Would You Date Someone Who Has Children?



Siebenbürgerin
Wednesday, June 24th, 2009, 03:23 PM
I'm interested how you'd feel about this theme. If your partner had children from a previous relationship/marriage, could you love the children? Would you consider them your children too? I can honestly say right now I feel I don't think I could love children made with another woman. Hence I avoid men with children under all any circumstances of a romantic relation.

Sigurd
Wednesday, June 24th, 2009, 04:29 PM
I think that this question is much more complex than it seems at first. To many it will seem like it is just a question of being one's flesh and blood or not. However, it transcends that by far.

On one hand, forming a bond with a child that is not yours is quite possible. We often love our family members dearly, and we love our friends dearly, and that extends to their children. So perhaps if my brother had a child and he died, I would gladly take it in and foster the child without to many implications.

On the other hand, one needs to partake in certain "bond-forming rituals" for the bond to actually be formed. This includes the woman's pregnancy, the child's important first formational years, and so on ... if these are not there, then the bond can only rarely be as close-knit as it would be with children of one's own flesh and blood. If however, a man found out after ten years, that the child he believed to be his was actually another man's, conceived by his wife's cheating --- I doubt he'd suddenly love the child less. Therefore, it's perhaps more a question of these bond-forming rites of passage rather than the immediate blood connection.

That is not to say that a blood connection is not important. A lot of the love for one's own children is also based upon the fact that you can always see yourself in them. I do believe that one of the main reasons why we usually always patch up with close family --- be that one's parents, children, grandparents, grandchildren or just one's siblings --- is because we can see ourselves both in their merits and their faults, and not to forget their mental and physical features ... most sensible people without a psychological problem would find it extremely hard not to love something so similar to themselves, this would be paramount to hating a part of themself; perhaps also a reason why many partners are oft not too dissimilar in character.

As to myself - I cannot answer at this point in time whether I could love another person's children like my own. I am inclined to say --- I could love them, but different. I could see them as my protegés, and could foster them much like a grandparent, an elder brother, a good friend or a Godfather could. But as my own flesh and blood - well, they are not, so that would always be clear: That I can give them a home, and that I can become a father figure for them, but that I cannot replace that biological bond to their actual father.

This is why I am not inclined to date women with children by other men, I feel it is at large not conducive to have two men's children raised in the household. However, in certain circumstances, this may be the best option both for myself and the child, as I said if a good friend or close family member died and it was a question of giving the flesh and blood of a person I deeply cared about a new home, then it is self-explanatory that I would offer to treat them as my own as far as is humanly possible.

And yes, as to bringing children into the relationship, that would mean: Yes, I would be more inclined to date a widow than a divorcee.

Patrioten
Wednesday, June 24th, 2009, 11:44 PM
I'm inclined to say no and I intend to make sure that I will never have to answer that question, I want children of my own, not raise someone elses children. Additionally I would not be able to respect a woman who has left her children to grow up without their father, as well as have my doubts about whether she would be prepared to commit herself to a new family. I think it reflects poorly on a person's character to take part in the break up of a family in this day and age, especially as it is often to do with the most trivial of reasons.

Sigurd
Thursday, June 25th, 2009, 12:30 AM
Additionally I would not be able to respect a woman who has left her children to grow up without their father, [...] I think it reflects poorly on a person's character to take part in the break up of a family in this day and age, especially as it is often to do with the most trivial of reasons.

What if she is widowed? Is her wish to find a new father for the family a display of poor character as well, then? ;)

Ward
Thursday, June 25th, 2009, 01:28 AM
I'm really not into girls that already have a child or children from a previous fling/relationship/marriage, but I don't look down at all on innocently widowed women. If I fell in love with one, I would help raise her children as if they were my own.

Patrioten
Thursday, June 25th, 2009, 09:10 AM
What if she is widowed? Is her wish to find a new father for the family a display of poor character as well, then? ;)C'mon Siggy, do we really have to be that obvious here? :P Unless she played a part in the death of her now ex-husband, and in which case she would be a case for the criminal justice system, a widow is of course without fault, but that is not what I mean by taking part in the break up of a family. Also, the possibility of meeting a widow has to be considered a theoretical possibility at best, rather than a probable one. In the unlikely, uncommon case of a widow with children meeting a new husband, I consider it as a form of damage control and doing the best out of a tragic situation, much like adoption is, though I would not want to engage in such an enterprise for myself.

Siebenbürgerin
Thursday, June 25th, 2009, 06:33 PM
What if she is widowed? Is her wish to find a new father for the family a display of poor character as well, then? ;)
Hmm, even if it's a widowed person, it would be an impediment for me to marry such a man. I've sympathy for him but not enough to raise his children and love them as if they were mine.

On another note I'm thinking what the children would feel about it. Honestly, in those familial movies, I've always sympathised with the angry girl that hated her father's girlfriend after the mother passed away. :|

Blod og Jord
Friday, June 26th, 2009, 02:17 PM
No, I'm think I would dislike them,
for being made with another woman.
If the other woman didn't pass away,
she would normally come to see them every now and then,
and the relationship with my partner wouldn't be closed,
for good.
I would hate that,
I'm want to be the sole mother of his biological children.

prodeutsch
Saturday, June 27th, 2009, 02:13 AM
This is a tough question. Sharing the experience of having and rearing children is something special (don't get teary eyed on me angel of death :) ) and should not be taken lightly. Although I have never had the opportunity to help raise someone elses children, I would not be against it, especially if the opportunity of having some children together was available. The more germanic children the merrier!

Ward
Saturday, June 27th, 2009, 05:37 AM
Honestly, in those familial movies, I've always sympathised with the angry girl that hated her father's girlfriend after the mother passed away. :|

Don't those movies always have happy endings though? :P

Seriously though, I could see how it wouldn't be for everyone, but hopefully at least the community would pull together to help out a widowed mother or father with young children. It's a tragic predicament.

Stormraaf
Wednesday, July 1st, 2009, 10:49 PM
I want children of my own, not raise someone elses children.

If I were to enter a relationship with someone who is already a parent (which I'd rather not), my stance would be similar to the above, but rather: I want children of my own, regardless of the other child(ren). In other words, if there is any danger of the woman casting me into the role of the "child raising father" only, i.e. she sees herself as past her stage of giving births and would want me to pick up where the other guy left off, I won't even consider a relationship with her.

Sigurd
Thursday, July 2nd, 2009, 01:44 PM
Seriously though, I could see how it wouldn't be for everyone, but hopefully at least the community would pull together to help out a widowed mother or father with young children. It's a tragic predicament.

Indeed, much like it is important that our folk has stable families, and as few children from broken marriages as possible - those who had no power over their being a sole parent by virtue of their partner passing away, should be offered a safe haven by the community.

I can also see where problems arise, and I have a few close friends who had difficulties accepting their step-parent as a father-figure; but in the end it is important that widowed mothers or fathers with small children receive all the support from their community that they can, this can include another person to step into the role of at least providing a father figure.

It is of course up to the child to accept the commitment to that role by another person, but knowing that someone is at least trying to fill the gap is perhaps, in the long run, the favourable situation to a child growing up and old with only one parent, even if the child perhaps never sees this replacement parent as more than a kind aunt or uncle or sth.

I can see where it's not for everyone, but equally important as having children of your own and trying your very best to have it grow up with both biological parents, is also to succour those who have been bereft of that opportunity by the fault of none other than the Norns decreeing that their parent's time was over.

THis however extends to all these cases, that a child should grow up with a step-parent or even a pair of foster-parents is much more favourable to its development than growing up with a single parent or no parent at all.

Bärin
Thursday, July 2nd, 2009, 10:44 PM
No, I wouldn't. I want my own children, my own flesh and blood, my own ancestry and heritage. I want to be a mother, not a step mother or adoptive mother.

Freigeistige
Friday, July 3rd, 2009, 03:30 AM
I feel that I have something to offer to any normally functioning child, and I honestly wouldn't care about it's DNA as long as it was still capable of learning. In fact, I would have a much easier time of raising another person's child if that other person's DNA made the child born with more learning capacity. I don't think that there would be any difference in amount of love based on whether the child was mine by blood, as it would still be my child.

Of course I have the same instinct to reproduce as anyone else, but my maternal instincts kick in when I am around any child. I would like to have my own children, but I would have no qualms about raising other people's children as well.

ladybright
Friday, July 3rd, 2009, 07:26 PM
For me this seems like two separate questions. 1) could you love stepchildren? 2) Could you love adopted/fostered children?

I think I could love a child that was not mine by blood and birth. Almost all children I see engage my 'mothering instict'. I love my children and they are MINE and OURS in a way that adopted children would not be.

Before I had children I had no qualms about adopting children if I could not have them naturally.(I would rather adopt then need a surrogate mother etc.) Were something to happen to my husband I might remarry and I would not necessarily rule out a man because he was already a father. If someone is already an excellent parent they would hopefully continue as an excellent parent to your current and future children. I do not think that I will become a foster mother/adoptive mother but it is not impossible.

I respect the drive to have your own flesh and blood. It is important for all of us.

Kriemhild
Friday, July 3rd, 2009, 09:09 PM
I would prefer to have children of my own, though imagining myself as a stepmother or foster mother is not an impossible task. I agree with ladybright in that I would not rule out marrying a man who is already a father for that fact alone. If I lost my ability to have children naturally, then I wouldn't hesitate to turn to adoption or fostering (providing that the child is white, if not Germanic).

On a factual note, fostering of another couple's child/children was very common in Norse/Icelandic societies during the Viking Age. Sagaic literature provides many examples of children who formed deep kinship bonds with their foster parents and siblings.

MountainGuardian
Monday, March 14th, 2011, 06:35 PM
My wife and I married in 1992 and had a daughter Kerry anne in 93, Kerry died of cancer before she was two months old.

My wife left me and later divorced me, she had a son Nathan in 96 and then married a guy in 1999 and had another son Theodore. In 200 they were in a car accident and my wife became paraplegic, and in the hospital they found she was pregnant with Jarad. Her husband left her shortly after the accident and divorced her.

She called and asked to see me and we got back together and remarried..

Nathan was 4 when we got back together and Theodore was about 7 months old, Jarad was yet to be born... Jarad was born in April and after that we had Johnathon and Sierra...

I love Nathan, Theodore and Jarad every bit as much as I do Johnathon and Sierra. With Jarad and Theodore I am the only father they have ever known and with Nate I was the only father he had really known until the age of 13 when he met his father for the first time.

In all honesty I find it easier to get along with Theodore and Jarad than my own son John... largely because John is very stubborn, agressive and head strong... like me...

I may be different than most people in this respect, possibly due to the fact that after I lost my daughter children became the most important thing to me in life and it did not matter what children... just the fact that they were children....

germanrain
Friday, May 13th, 2011, 02:27 AM
I am sure that I could if I was in the situation. I am sure at times it would be very hard due to the fact that I would not be the biological parent of the child. There are many factors that would be considered, if the child's mother was present in their life, how the previous relationship ended... I would certainly never want to be the root of it or be blamed for it the breakup. There are many people that get involved in a relationship with a person and the other person blames the new girlfriend/boyfriend as the cause of the breakup, when maybe they weren't the cause at all...

too many factors to consider, but I believe I could do it.

Northern Paladin
Friday, May 13th, 2011, 03:42 AM
It depends. If they are smart and beautiful, and show a lot of potential, and I respect the parents, yes.

Ediruc
Friday, May 13th, 2011, 06:51 AM
I've actually thought about this, but with different scenarios. I think what it would first come down to is whether they are European ethnicity or not. Now, I'm not approving of any kind of ethnic mixing here, but, considering I have Italian-American, Irish-American, Spanish-American, and other ethnic group friends, there has been a feeling of some kind of kinship (a broad scope of kinship) in those friendships. That is only because we live in a multicultural society and I feel a need to value someone of European descent. So, if they are Germanic or a different European ethnic group, I think I can manage to love them.

Now, to the scenarios. If I married a woman whose husband died or just walked out on her when she was pregnant I would definitely try to fill the role and be like a father figure towards these kid(s). If say, the woman I was in a relationship with had children who were already teenagers, that is a bit different. I would try to be their friend at first, try to get on their approval side, then eventually try to fill in the gap as a father. I can just hope they are good kids and have values in life. If they were drug addicts, degenerate race-mixers, generally stupid ect... I would definitely have trouble trying to form a bond with them and possibly would focus more on my relationship with my new found partner.

Now, to the next scenario. If say my biological children had childhood friends who were good of nature, supportive to my own children, and well behaved, I could see myself having a fatherly love towards them and accepting them into my house and presence.

Now, using one Sigurd brought up, if my partner had cheated on me with another person and had their children and I found out many years later, I honestly can't say what I would do. I would certainly not love the child any less, considering I raised them, watched them go through their years of childhood, ect... I can't say what I would do with my wife, if our marriage wasn't already over or she died. Of course, I think I would be able to tell if the children I had with her weren't mine to begin with. If they came out brown skinned and kinky haired -- well :oanieyes we all know how that will end.

Angela
Saturday, May 14th, 2011, 07:23 PM
Yes, I could love another person's children. I wouldn't see them as my OWN but I wouldn't have any problems in loving them. But it would be different if I adopted them, then I would probably see them as my own as well.

Hesse
Saturday, May 14th, 2011, 07:34 PM
I agree with Ediruc, it's all about whether they are of European ethnicity or not. Anyone not European I do not consider one of my own, so I would never consider a racial other childe as belonging to my family.

I could love Germanic or European stepchildren if they were very decent and I could rear them, I even see them as belonging to me since they are part of my racial family but I wouldn't see them as my descendents if they are not direct biological offspring.

wm mauer
Saturday, May 14th, 2011, 07:39 PM
I'm interested how you'd feel about this theme. If your partner had children from a previous relationship/marriage, could you love the children? Would you consider them your children too? I can honestly say right now I feel I don't think I could love children made with another woman. Hence I avoid men with children under all any circumstances of a romantic relation.

Deep question. I will try to answer fully, yet succintly.

First off real love is something that is most elusive. If I have a woman (which I do) who I love enough to be with, then of course I will love her children, if she had them.

In fact for me the closest thing to an Angel on this planet is a white child. I love children more than I love women who bear them. Children are the hope for our entire race & my great tragedy is watching the children who I have no sway over grow up into compromised adults.

Recap: Children I love, adults are negotiable. ;)

Edgard
Saturday, May 14th, 2011, 08:15 PM
When all is said and done it would have to be down to if they were European decent or not. I personally could never be with a women who had, had a black man's child as I would feel to uneasy about it, I would also have a hard time accepting a women who had had sex with a black man as I would find it a bit unsettling and would have little in common with them feeling they lacked self respect.

If they were European I could raise them with values and I would undoubtedly feel a connection to them as I would to a cousin. This would be helped if they were Northern European. I could bring up an Italian or Greek but I would feel differently about it and teach them to have pride in their heritage.

This is a nightmare scenario that happens from time to time due to IVF.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2002/jul/09/health.healthandwellbeing

I would have to say me or the babies. Also I would feel my women had been violated in the worst way like rape and might have a hard time dealing with it. They should have segregated clinics as the risk is just unacceptable.

Colourblind
Saturday, May 14th, 2011, 08:35 PM
If I was with a woman who had kids by another man and my relationship with her was good, I would probably grow to like those kids. But I wouldn't really feel like their father, but rather like a teacher or older friend.

I think I could raise kids of any race or ethnicity. But I want my own kids to look like me.

wm mauer
Sunday, May 15th, 2011, 12:00 AM
Interesting that you disabled colourblind. I wonder if you saw what I saw or if it was something else? I reckon I must study more before I decide how much respect needs to be accrued your way. ;)

Siebenbürgerin
Sunday, June 19th, 2016, 10:39 PM
I was reading an internet article about people in relationships with single parents (/http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/dating-someone-with-kids/971143/). Here some paragraphs:


The kids will always come first, yes, but if he's a catch and you're lucky, you'll score second place. Let me tell you about second place: This is where close members of his family reside. This is the place he reserves for family or as-good-as family.

This is a great spot in which to find yourself when looking for vacancies in someone's heart. Coming second to the greatest loves of someone's life ain't all that bad.

These are his kids; he created them, raised them and sees himself in their eyes. Next in line to that kind of love is as good as first place to any other.


The kids have a mother, and she's out there somewhere. Get over it.

There are varying dynamics in the land of “baby mamas.” Some ex-couples with kids were married and endured an ugly divorce to reach something of a shared-custody-with-the-occasional-civil-conversation situation.

Some separated amicably and are both very much involved with their children, sometimes as a family unit for sake of the event. Some are single parents and the MIA figure is a pink elephant in the room, everpresent as they are ever absent. The options go on.

There are endless scenarios and everyone operates on different dynamics. A healthy situation, where everyone is respected and boundaries are in place is the best you can hope for, and it's then up to you to decide if you can handle it or not.

An ex fades into the background of your past while an ex with whom you share a child will always be in your life. If you have a nasty jealous streak, this kind of relationship (like many others, I'm sure) will not work for you. Good luck finding someone without a past.

The question hasn't come up for me, but I don't think I could imagine myself being a stepmother. I always envisioned a normal and traditional family and that's the ideal I wish for myself. However, I don't frown at the possibility of it working out in less than ideal scenarios. I'm curious if there are people with a positive outcome who can share their experiences. Otherwise, consider a hypothetical situation, how would you feel about it? What about single parents, is it more difficult for you to find a partner because of the children? Do you seek a partner because of the children? Other on topic thoughts welcome.

Hersir
Sunday, June 19th, 2016, 10:42 PM
I'm in a relationship where none of us has children yet and I prefer it that way. I don't know how much I'd like to raise someone elses child... But hard to make the choice here and now.

renownedwolf
Sunday, June 19th, 2016, 11:20 PM
Well I can only comment on this from an outside perspective as I have my own child with the missus and that is the way it should be, but yet I come from a broken home, and luckily I have no half siblings from my fathers next wife, I have no doubt that would have caused all sorts of awkwardness.

From a male perspective your instinct is to raise your own genetic progeny first and foremost. If one finds a 'desirable female worthy of breeding' (lol!) but she already has a child it's inevitable you would be called upon to care for that too. Now in a decent society, you know the one we idealistically dream of, that scenario would be down to unfortunate death of the preceding male who otherwise would have been a decent gentleman (and should in theory have provided enough insurance in that event). To care for those children would be a decent and manly thing to do in this case (similar to adoption for infertile couples), it is a societal beneficence, however it shouldn't be at the expense of creating and raising ones own descendants. If the woman in question doesn't want to breed with you..then what is the point? You'd just be some surrogate pat$y. Naturally you will always care more for your own blood even though you most certainly could raise another child with love and care. Remember that the child itself is not at fault for the circumstance they find themselves in.

Gods dammit Hersir! Get cracking! :D

Mööv
Sunday, June 19th, 2016, 11:34 PM
I haven't had much problems dating being a single father and having the custody over my daughter. It was a bit difficult balancing when she was little but never had any serious problems managing. She's 14 now and fairly independent so it's much easier now.
Never had a problem with women avoiding me because of the child. They hit on me before I had one, and they still do. :D

SpearBrave
Monday, June 20th, 2016, 02:37 AM
Speaking from experience I lived with and married a woman that had a son. Actually is was not bad, I gladly took the role as father and overall it turned out good. Even though the relationship is now over with the woman I still talk to the son regularly.

I wasted most of youth, first with a first wife that I should not have married and then doing a very important social experiment of pushing the bounds of personal freedoms until I met my second wife. ;) Now as I am older and with all the broken families and what not, there just are not that many partners available that do not have children. Most women my age their kids are grown and either in college or have a career.

The big thing I do shy away from are the girls younger than I with children and the father is not in the picture. I am a responsible person with a decent career and that does tend to attract younger women looking for somebody just to care of them and their children( not all girls are that way ). I'm so much afraid of these types that I just want to casually date and hang out with a female with a very limited relationship other than occasionally going to dinner or something like that. For the most part though I'm starting to enjoy living alone and pursuing my art work and other hobbies that please me. Also I'm way behind on a project I have been working on for decades.

Rhaegar Thorwald
Monday, June 20th, 2016, 02:40 PM
Let me tell you about second place


https://i.imgflip.com/1651jq.jpg

Leliana
Monday, June 20th, 2016, 06:54 PM
No, I think I wouldn't and couldn't love and care for children that are not mine as much as for my own blood.

For my sake and for the sake of the foreign child, I wouldn't date someone with children.

Wulfram
Monday, June 20th, 2016, 07:56 PM
What if they are Germanic children whose father or mother had died? They will definitely need someone to step in and be a proper role model. Children of single parents often grow up to be broken people and fall victim to degeneracy. At this stage we can't afford to lose any more of our own to regressive idealism.

Catterick
Monday, June 20th, 2016, 08:52 PM
What if they are Germanic children whose father or mother had died? They will definitely need someone to step in and be a proper role model. Children of single parents often grow up to be broken people and fall victim to degeneracy. At this stage we can't afford to lose any more of our own to regressive idealism.

Children who lose their fathers in wars are not disproportionately dysfunctional or criminal. This means either genetic dysfunctionality in families makes fatherless homes more likely, leaving the false impression fathers are strictly neccessary, or other appropriate role models are usually present in military families.

On balance it seems that stability in the home is a better predictor than marriage, which still rules out modern serial monogamy, of course.

Thorolf
Monday, June 20th, 2016, 09:38 PM
I don't think I would have an issue with a woman who already has children depending on the situation. If the father is dead or the sort of scum who just up and left than I would likely have no issue. Don't think I could raise kids in my own home who are fathered by another man though.

SpearBrave
Tuesday, June 21st, 2016, 01:56 AM
I know divorce is the topic of the reason for the question, but ask yourself if the idea of raising someone else's child is what Germanics have done for centuries. There has always been half brother or sisters. Keep in mind divorce was allowed in ancient Germanic cultures, so naturally children were involved. Wars and plagues have also brought about single parents.

Really, when you brake it down you hopefully helped raise a better person that is racially and culturally aware of who he is. :)